After losing Rene and going to Calgary to stay with his Mom for a month, it was time to come back home to Vernon. Its really hard to go back to a home that just isn't the same when you have lost your husband, because, after all, I wasn't the same anymore either. It was hard at first, to be home. I have never been very good at being alone so this was so very difficult for me. The only way to describe it was that I felt like I had lost a part of me, like an arm or a leg. Something would happen, and I would think, "oh, i have to tell Rene this" and then remember, that he wasn't here anymore to tell. I feel like I wasnt a very good Mom to Taylor for awhile because I was so involved in my own grief, that I didnt have much enough energy to focus on her. My Dad had passed away a year and a half before Rene (yes there will be a future blog about this too... lol) and so he wasnt here to help me thru it. My Mom lived across the country in Ontario so it wasnt like she could just pick up and check on me whenever she wanted to. I had my Nana and Grandpa but they were in their late 80's and can only do so much. (and its hard to help someone that tells everyone that they are fine, doing great, no problem) I thought asking for help was a sign of weakness so I just kept it all to myself. My younger Brother had been living with Rene and I after the loss of our Dad, but after losing Rene, Jay (my brother) felt such an incredible loss that he moved back to Airdrie for awhile to live with his Mom. (My step mom) It almost felt like another loss to Taylor and I.
For a short time after Jay moved out, Taylor and I were completely alone. I didnt know what to do with myself, but I knew that I had to go back to work. A friend was a manager of a retail store in the mall so she hired me on there and it was going great. I had gone to counselling a few times but didnt really stick with it because of money issues... and I thought i was doing ok. Taylor was going to `play therapy`, which seemed to be helping. She was only 4 so its not like she could go to a regular therapist and share her feelings like an adult would. The therapist would meet with me after every couple of sessions to fill me on on how the sessions were going with Taylor. She would always tell me the same thing...... Taylor didnt know how to make me happy! She didnt want me to be sad anymore. Are you kidding me?! All Taylor was worried about was me? But she was only 4 years old! This broke my heart and made me realize I needed to stop being so sad and to start thinking about her more.
I ended up going on stress leave from my job for a few months because everything I hadn't dealt with, was finally catching up to me and i was a mess. It was nice because i was home during the day so I could spend more time with Taylor. It was also overwhelming at the same time. I went to our family Dr at the time and asked if there was something I could take and he put me on Celexa. It just seemed to take away my personality and i was just going through the motions of my everyday life.
I started going out alot at night. I would have a babysitter for Taylor or I would take her to Nana's for the night, and I would just drink myself into numbness. I knew it wasnt a solution, but it felt good at the time. This also didnt help with the weight issues and i started gaining weight again. The drinking got worse before it got better. It wasnt a proud moment in my life, but clearly one that I had to go through at the time. People always have their opinions of everything, me included, but now, after going through something like this, you truly don't know how YOU would act until, God forbid, it happens to you. The best thing you can do is just let the person who is grieving know that you are there for them, and don't tell them how they should or shouldn't feel, what they should or shouldn't be doing, etc... because YOU don't know unless you have been there!
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
I Did It!
So, the Sun Run has come and gone. I am proud to say that I completed my very first Vancouver Sun Run and that I will be doing it again next year! AND im actually excited about it.
I will tell you, looking back on all my fears and self doubts, they all seem so silly to me now. As the day got closer and closer, i tried to think of every reason why I couldn't go. I wasnt ready, i was going to be last, I was going to be the fattest person there, I was going to embarrass myself... the list goes on and on. Isn't negative self talk just the worst?! The day before the race, I was in Vancouver, in our hotel, and i just layed on the bed in a ball and cried, i told Brent i just couldn't do it and that i would just cheer him on from the sidelines. He refused to let me quit. I decided i really needed to change my thinking or the whole weekend was just going to be miserable for the both of us. I thought of my clients who i work hard to motivate each and every day, knowing that i was going, and having to tell them that i decided to back out, and realized how I would look in their eyes if i gave up without even trying. I thought of all my friends and family who knew i was going and what i would have to say when i didnt run. Then i thought of what i would think of myself..... being more disappointed in myself for not even trying and i finally told myself to suck it up and just do it. There was going to be almost 49,000 people, so there was no possible way that i would come in last...... right?
Fast forward to the day of the race.... We are up at 630am so we can get into downtown Vancouver with lots of time. When we arrive, i am absolutely overwhelmed and amazed at how many people there are. I mean, i know that there is 49,000 people attending, but when they are all together in one spot, its simply overwhelming and amazing. You are put in groups before hand depending on your 10k speed, so all the super fast people are at the front, and they go right at 9am when the race starts. Thats usually where Brent is when he did the Sun Run in the past and could have run it 3 times before I was even finished, but this time, he is doing it with me simply for the enjoyment of it, not to see how fast he can complete it in.
Brent and i had a goal for me. I was going to run for 10 minutes and walk for 1 minute and do this for the entire 10kms. We started off and as we reached 10 minutes, i felt good so i kept going. 20 minutes is coming up and im still feeling pretty good so i continue one. 30 minutes..... then 35 minutes and still no walking. I realize that 5k is only a few minutes away so i decide that i will run until 40 minutes or 5k, whichever comes first..... i come around a corner and BAM! The biggest hill i have ever seen in my life! Im at 42 minutes and i know that the 5k mark is at the top of that hill, but i just couldnt do it, I had to stop. The entire 10k took me 1 hour and 29 minutes...... Our goal for me was 1 hour and 30 minutes so i did better than I had expected and I was happy with that. The feeling of pride I had in myself when i crossed that finish line was unimaginable and I had no idea i could ever feel like that. And to have my husband with me as i crossed was even more amazing. I will never forget what he said as we finished and he looked at me and said, " I am so F$%*ing proud of you"..... I will never forget that and there is noone else I would rather have been with as I crossed that finish line. He is my inspiration!!
So now I will look forward to next years Sun Run and I wont fear it like I did this year. And you never know...... there has been a bit of talk about a half marathon in my future.... my distant future, but definetly in my future... Wow, who knew?!
I will tell you, looking back on all my fears and self doubts, they all seem so silly to me now. As the day got closer and closer, i tried to think of every reason why I couldn't go. I wasnt ready, i was going to be last, I was going to be the fattest person there, I was going to embarrass myself... the list goes on and on. Isn't negative self talk just the worst?! The day before the race, I was in Vancouver, in our hotel, and i just layed on the bed in a ball and cried, i told Brent i just couldn't do it and that i would just cheer him on from the sidelines. He refused to let me quit. I decided i really needed to change my thinking or the whole weekend was just going to be miserable for the both of us. I thought of my clients who i work hard to motivate each and every day, knowing that i was going, and having to tell them that i decided to back out, and realized how I would look in their eyes if i gave up without even trying. I thought of all my friends and family who knew i was going and what i would have to say when i didnt run. Then i thought of what i would think of myself..... being more disappointed in myself for not even trying and i finally told myself to suck it up and just do it. There was going to be almost 49,000 people, so there was no possible way that i would come in last...... right?
Fast forward to the day of the race.... We are up at 630am so we can get into downtown Vancouver with lots of time. When we arrive, i am absolutely overwhelmed and amazed at how many people there are. I mean, i know that there is 49,000 people attending, but when they are all together in one spot, its simply overwhelming and amazing. You are put in groups before hand depending on your 10k speed, so all the super fast people are at the front, and they go right at 9am when the race starts. Thats usually where Brent is when he did the Sun Run in the past and could have run it 3 times before I was even finished, but this time, he is doing it with me simply for the enjoyment of it, not to see how fast he can complete it in. 
Brent and i had a goal for me. I was going to run for 10 minutes and walk for 1 minute and do this for the entire 10kms. We started off and as we reached 10 minutes, i felt good so i kept going. 20 minutes is coming up and im still feeling pretty good so i continue one. 30 minutes..... then 35 minutes and still no walking. I realize that 5k is only a few minutes away so i decide that i will run until 40 minutes or 5k, whichever comes first..... i come around a corner and BAM! The biggest hill i have ever seen in my life! Im at 42 minutes and i know that the 5k mark is at the top of that hill, but i just couldnt do it, I had to stop. The entire 10k took me 1 hour and 29 minutes...... Our goal for me was 1 hour and 30 minutes so i did better than I had expected and I was happy with that. The feeling of pride I had in myself when i crossed that finish line was unimaginable and I had no idea i could ever feel like that. And to have my husband with me as i crossed was even more amazing. I will never forget what he said as we finished and he looked at me and said, " I am so F$%*ing proud of you"..... I will never forget that and there is noone else I would rather have been with as I crossed that finish line. He is my inspiration!! 
So now I will look forward to next years Sun Run and I wont fear it like I did this year. And you never know...... there has been a bit of talk about a half marathon in my future.... my distant future, but definetly in my future... Wow, who knew?!
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