Finding Love Again - Part 1

Taylor definetly suffered from anxiety after Rene's passing. She had first lost her Grandpa, (my Dad), then her Dad, and then really, her Uncle Jay... who didnt pass away, but he moved out of the house to another province, so to a 4 year old, that is still like a loss. After all this loss at such a young age, she had problems with anxiety and panic attacks when she would be around males. It didnt matter who they were... family, friends, strangers, coaches, etc.... she would literally start to panic and one time in Calgary at my mother in laws house, when her accountant came over, Taylor ran and hid under the kitchen table, hung on to the leg and rocked back and forth and cried. Her play therapist said it was a fear that she had after so much loss. She was actually scared of getting close to a male figure because she was afraid they would die too. How incredibly overwhelming for a 4 year old! 


I didnt really have any positive relationships with men after losing Rene. After about 9 months or so, i tried to date but its alot different at 32 than it is at 22! And i had a 4 year old daughter this time around. I was lonely and lost and  I made a few bad choices during this time. Some people judged me, believe me, i even judged myself... but if you suffered thru loss and grief, you just don't have the right to judge anyone. I knew the people i was hanging out with weren't the best for me, but i wasnt planning on marrying anyone. I was just trying to fill a void in my heart that losing Rene caused. I really wasnt looking for love, just someone to fill that empty space in my heart. 



Out at the bar one evening, an acquaintance introduced me to her friend, Brent. He seemed like a nice guy and he was funny and easy going. We traded email addresses and that was that. I didnt hear from him and to be honest, i completely forgot about him until a month or so later when I saw him out again and he asked my why i hadn't emailed him back. I never received an email from him so i wasnt sure what he was talking about. When I went home that night, i sent him a quick email. These were the days of MSN messenger so we often talked to each other on there in the evenings after Taylor went to bed. This went on for months and I really grew fond of him as 

a friend. I didnt feel pressure from him. He had a girlfriend so he wasnt interested in dating me....(or so i thought) and lets face it, all his past girlfriends were thin and pretty..... two things i wasnt. We ended up spending alot of time together. We played beach volleyball on the same team, went to hockey games, camping and just hanging out at home. I even did his laundry! LOL I asked him if his girlfriend minding us hanging out so much and he said she didnt care at all. I found that weird because i certainly wouldn't want MY boyfriend hanging out with another girl all the time. Brent and I seemed to really get along well and we were always there for each other. I was starting to feel so much happier. We really seemed to be a good team as far as friends went. All our friends would joke around and say "so when are you going to admit that you are together", and we would always laugh it off and say "we aren't together, we are just friends". Brent had a girlfriend, for heavens sakes. 




One day, while he was over, i was talking to a friend on the phone, and Taylor was laughing hysterically in the background. My gf asked me what Taylor was laughing at and i replied, " Oh, she is holding on to Brent's shirt and he is dragging her all around the hardwood floor". My gf paused for a second and then said to me, 'Um..... she is actually touching Brent? She isnt freaking out because he is a male and is near her?".... All of a sudden, i was like.. OMG! She is touching Brent! I cant believe I hadn't noticed that. 2 years of her panic attacks around males and now she is letting Brent drag her around the house with no problem and actually enjoying it! That was so amazing to me, not only because she was touching him, but because Brent was the only person that didnt make a big deal out of it if she didnt want to talk to her. Some people would just make comments like "oh, she doesn't like me", or "she doesn't want to be around me", but not Brent. He just was patient with her and didnt push himself on her and let her come to him on her own time. 

One weekend, i was going camping with my sister and some friends and had invited Brent to come out and join us. (Taylor was staying with Nana and Grandpa for the weekend) He wasnt sure if he could make it because he had to work on Friday and Saturday, but he would let me know. As i was driving out, he called my cell phone and told me that he had broken up with his girlfriend and that he was going to be moving out at the end of the month. All of a sudden, I got butterflies in my stomach and realized that I didnt actually feel bad for him, and that I was happy they had broken up. What kind of person was i to think these kinds of things? He said to listen for his car on Saturday night because he was most likely going to come out to the campground.  The following night when he was supposed to arrive, i kept listening to hear his car but never heard it. (he had a custom muffler so it was super loud so i always knew when it was him.. lol) Finally, at around 9:00pm, i realized that he probably wasnt coming.... then I heard it.... the sound of his muffler getting closer to our campsite, and then suddenly, there he was! He had actually come. I dont know why I was suddenly so excited by this, its not like we had never done anything together before, but now, i felt these butterflies I had never felt with him before. We all hung out at the campfire for awhile and then we all went off to bed in our tents. Brent had let me know that he had a big race in Salmon Arm the next morning so he had to get up early to get there in time.. Ok seriously... he came all this way, only to have to leave really early to drive all the way to Salmon Arm for a 9am race? Wow! I suddenly felt really special. I hadn't planned on him actually coming camping, so i only had the one double mattress in my tent. Brent said it was fine so we went to bed. I was so nervous having him lay beside me that I couldn't fall asleep. What if I started snoring or something? lol I guess i must have finally dozed off, because I woke up later on and I was so cold! Brent moved and i realized he was awake too. We started talking about how cold it was and he said i could cuddle up to him if i wanted to.. Um... if I wanted to?! OMG.... im freaking out right now.. Should I?... I finally did and i started feeling warm instantly. The last thing I heard before i fell asleep was him saying, "why didnt you think of this sooner, dumbass?" LOL 

He got up super early that morning and got ready to leave for his race. He said he would call me as soon as his race was over and let me know how he did and then he left. I was so happy ALL day, i couldnt stop smiling. One of my friends kept asking me, "are you sure all you guys did was cuddle, cause seriously, you have been smiling all day!" I hadn't felt like this forever and i felt like after that night, my feelings for him had definetly changed from a friend to more than that. 

Too be continued.....

The Downward Spiral

After losing Rene and going to Calgary to stay with his Mom for a month, it was time to come back home to Vernon. Its really hard to go back to a home that just isn't the same when you have lost your husband, because, after all, I wasn't the same anymore either. It was hard at first, to be home. I have never been very good at being alone so this was so very difficult for me. The only way to describe it was that I felt like I had lost a part of me, like an arm or a leg. Something would happen, and I would think, "oh, i have to tell Rene this" and then remember, that he wasn't here anymore to tell. I feel like I wasnt a very good Mom to Taylor for awhile because I was so involved in my own grief, that I didnt have much enough energy to focus on her. My Dad had passed away a year and a half before Rene (yes there will be a future blog about this too... lol) and so he wasnt here to help me thru it. My Mom lived across the country in Ontario so it wasnt like she could just pick up and check on me whenever she wanted to. I had my Nana and Grandpa but they were in their late 80's and can only do so much. (and its hard to help someone that tells everyone that they are fine, doing great, no problem) I thought asking for help was a sign of weakness so I just kept it all to myself. My younger Brother had been living with Rene and I after the loss of our Dad, but after losing Rene, Jay (my brother) felt such an incredible loss that he moved back to Airdrie for awhile to live with his Mom. (My step mom) It almost felt like another loss to Taylor and I. 


For a short time after Jay moved out, Taylor and I were completely alone. I didnt know what to do with myself, but I knew that I had to go back to work. A friend was a manager of a retail store in the mall so she hired me on there and it was going great. I had gone to counselling a few times but didnt really stick with it because of money issues... and I thought i was doing ok. Taylor was going to `play therapy`, which seemed to be helping. She was only 4 so its not like she could go to a regular therapist and share her feelings like an adult would. The therapist would meet with me after every couple of sessions to fill me on on how the sessions were going with Taylor. She would always tell me the same thing...... Taylor didnt know how to make me happy! She didnt want me to be sad anymore. Are you kidding me?! All Taylor was worried about was me? But she was only 4 years old! This broke my heart and made me realize I needed to stop being so sad and to start thinking about her more. 


I ended up going on stress leave from my job for a few months because everything I hadn't dealt with, was finally catching up to me and i was a mess. It was nice because i was home during the day so I could spend more time with Taylor. It was also overwhelming at the same time. I went to our family Dr at the time and asked if there was something I could take and he put me on Celexa. It just seemed to take away my personality and i was just going through the motions of my everyday life. 


I started going out alot at night. I would have a babysitter for Taylor or I would take her to Nana's for the night, and I would just drink myself into numbness. I knew it wasnt a solution, but it felt good at the time. This also didnt help with the weight issues and i started gaining weight again.  The drinking got worse before it got better. It wasnt a proud moment in my life, but clearly one that I had to go through at the time. People always have their opinions of everything, me included, but now, after going through something like this, you truly don't know how YOU would act until, God forbid, it happens to you. The best thing you can do is just let the person who is grieving know that you are there for them, and don't tell them how they should or shouldn't feel, what they should or shouldn't be doing, etc... because YOU don't know unless you have been there! 

I Did It!

So, the Sun Run has come and gone. I am proud to say that I completed my very first Vancouver Sun Run and that I will be doing it again next year! AND im actually excited about it. 

I will tell you, looking back on all my fears and self doubts, they all seem so silly to me now. As the day got closer and closer, i tried to think of every reason why I couldn't go. I wasnt ready, i was going to be last, I was going to be the fattest person there, I was going to embarrass myself... the list goes on and on. Isn't negative self talk just the worst?! The day before the race, I was in Vancouver, in our hotel, and i just layed on the bed in a ball and cried, i told Brent i just couldn't do it and that i would just cheer him on from the sidelines. He refused to let me quit. I decided i really needed to change my thinking or the whole weekend was just going to be miserable for the both of us. I thought of my clients who i work hard to motivate each and every day, knowing that i was going, and having to tell them that i decided to back out, and realized how I would look in their eyes if i gave up without even trying. I thought of all my friends and family who knew i was going and what i would have to say when i didnt run. Then i thought of what i would think of myself..... being more disappointed in myself for not even trying and i finally told myself to suck it up and just do it. There was going to be almost 49,000 people, so there was no possible way that i would come in last...... right? 




Fast forward to the day of the race.... We are up at 630am so we can get into downtown Vancouver with lots of time. When we arrive, i am absolutely overwhelmed and amazed at how many people there are. I mean, i know that there is 49,000 people attending, but when they are all together in one spot, its simply overwhelming and amazing. You are put in groups before hand depending on your 10k speed, so all the super fast people are at the front, and they go right at 9am when the race starts. Thats usually where Brent is when he did the Sun Run in the past and could have run it 3 times before I was even finished, but this time, he is doing it with me simply for the enjoyment of it, not to see how fast he can complete it in. 




Brent and i had a goal for me. I was going to run for 10 minutes and walk for 1 minute and do this for the entire 10kms. We started off and as we reached 10 minutes, i felt good so i kept going. 20 minutes is coming up and im still feeling pretty good so i continue one. 30 minutes..... then 35 minutes and still no walking. I realize that 5k is only a few minutes away so i decide that i will run until 40 minutes or 5k, whichever comes first..... i come around a corner and BAM! The biggest hill i have ever seen in my life! Im at 42 minutes and i know that the 5k mark is at the top of that hill, but i just couldnt do it, I had to stop. The entire 10k took me 1 hour and 29 minutes...... Our goal for me was 1 hour and 30 minutes so i did better than I had expected and I was happy with that. The feeling of pride I had in myself when i crossed that finish line was unimaginable and I had no idea i could ever feel like that. And to have my husband with me as i crossed was even more amazing. I will never forget what he said as we finished and he looked at me and said, " I am so F$%*ing proud of you".....  I will never forget that and there is noone else I would rather have been with as I crossed that finish line. He is my inspiration!! 

 So now I will look forward to next years Sun Run and I wont fear it like I did this year. And you never know...... there has been a bit of talk about a half marathon in my future.... my distant future, but definetly in my future... Wow, who knew?! 

Motivation

Its been awhile since I have written, and I feel bad for that. I seem to have lost a bit of my motivation and I'm trying hard to get it back..... Oh shoot.... I said TRY! Have i mentioned how much I dislike that word? Try, to me, means your planning to fail. Either you do or you don't..... there is no try! So i guess i just caught myself making an excuse. CRAP!

The Vancouver Sun Run 10k is coming up in 10 days and I'm freaking out! I don't feel ready, i'm scared, my shins hurt and I feel like i'm still the "fat girl" that I used to be. The last time I did a 10k about 5 years ago, they were packing up the water stations before they realized that I was still on the course. I mean, i was NOT in shape back then, I hadn't trained for it at all and was about 70 lbs heavier, but still. I have that memory in my head and I cant get it out. I don't want to be last. There are over 55,000 participants in the Sun Run so is it even possible that I could be last? Yes, yes there is! 


I've been actively running for almost 2 years now, however, I'm not very good at it. In all our running groups, I am always last. I feel like my legs are too short and i just cant go any faster. I don't seem to be able to get my breathing under control so that slows me down. Last night at my run group, I was thinking to myself that I just don't think Im ready for a 10k. I want to back out but everyone knows that I am doing it so I dont want to look bad to everyone, including my own clients, who I am always pushing past their comfort level. I know all of this is my negative self talk, the devil on my shoulder, telling me I am too fat, too slow, etc etc. Its amazing the power of our own thoughts. 

So I guess what I am saying is, the entry fee has been paid, the hotel has been booked, and I just need to suck it up and DO IT! I know that I need to face my fear, get out of my comfort level and run. I don't want to disappoint my husband (who, I know, really wants to do it as he hasnt been running competitively since his last ankle surgery,) My family and friends who believe that I can do it even when i don't believe it myself, and my clients who I am so good at motivating, but when it comes to motivating myself, it just doesn't seem to work as well. I know that if I decide not to do the run, I will regret it.

Inspirations

Its feels so strange when people say to ME that I am an inspiration to them. I have always had a hard time accepting compliments and Im pretty sure being someones inspiration is one of the highest forms of a compliment there could be. Since I was in my early 20's, I have struggled with my weight, tried to remain unnoticed, when photos were being taken, you could be sure that i was standing in the back, or blocking myself with an object like a chair, a counter and even other people. I always wanted to remain in the background so that i didnt draw attention to myself. I was painfully shy at times. (people that know me find this hard to believe, but if I dont know you, I am incredibly shy) I have gotten to know people and they have told me that before they knew me, they thought i was a snob. Often times, when people are shy, they can definetly come across as seeming snobby. Its amazing the perception that people can have of others when they don't even know someone. (I think this is one of the reasons i decided to write a blog. Everyone has a preconceived idea of people that they meet, and often times, we can judge a person without even knowing them. We can say that a person is wierd, or a snob, ungrateful, negative, a bitch,.... just to name a few.... but does anyone ever think that people are the way they are for a reason?) 


I have spent so many years wasting my time worrying about what other people think of me. I have come to realize that no matter what you do, how nice you are, how well you treat people, you will always piss someone off and that's the sad reality. You can NOT please everyone, nor should you try to. A few years ago, i finally came to the realization that I needed to focus more on myself and my own happiness, along with the happiness of the people that mean the most to me. As soon as I started doing this, I noticed a change in things. I became more positive and when that happened, I also noticed how many people around me were so negative. I realized that some people dont like to be positive, it takes more work. But everything worth having is alot of work. I must say my amazing husband, Brent, is alot of the reason I changed my ways. I had so many things happen to me in my life that made me feel sorry for myself, made me feel like I didnt deserve happiness or love, that I would never be successful, that I would always be fat, unhappy and self conscious, that I would never inspire people, like others inspired me. 


Fast forward to today..... I have received messages from people telling me how I inspire them and I feel overwhelmed. I think back to how I used to be, and it utterly amazes me that people think this of ME. I am so appreciative for all the positive comments, and I am learning to accept them. 


I have many inspirations in my life and since some of you have shared  yours with me, i wanted to share mine with you. 



1 - Top of the list is most definetly my Nana! She is 92 years old and doesn't look a day over 75! She has never been sick (besides a cold or flu), no diseases, no surgeries, never on medications and no falls or broken bones. She says what she thinks, and most of the time she doesnt sugar coat it. If she starts off a sentence with, "Im going to tell you something".... you know you are in trouble! She says that she stays so healthy because of her honesty. She doesnt keep anything in, therefore, no stress is held inside. Good theory, Id say!



2 - My husband, Brent. He always manages to find the positive in everything, no matter the situation and i admire that in him. He has a very caring heart and he inspires me every day to be a better person.



3- My daughter, Taylor. She has been through such sorrow and sadness in her 13 years, and still has grown up to be a beautiful, caring girl (minus the teenage hormonal attitude from time to time... LOL) and I am proud of who she is becoming. 


4 - Kara Hoffman. She may  be surprised by this but ever since I met her, when our daughters were 7 and on the same hockey team, she has inspired me with her determination and will to succeed. Now, as I attend her Triple Play fitness class, she pushes me past my comfort level and makes me want to work harder.


5 - Anna Kemp. She is an amazing trainer and friend who has pushed me harder than i thought I could go, she helps me see how strong I am, and always believed in me, even when I didnt believe in myself. 


6 - Tommy Europe. I can remember a few years back, watching The Last 10 Pounds Bootcamp and watching him yell at the people on the show and thinking, OH MY GOD, i would never want to meet that guy. He is scary, and mean,  he gets in your face and he would see right through my negativity and put me in my place. A few years later and 3 Shred Bootcamps under my belt (the first one, i almost puked and passed out!!) the 2nd, I helped campaign to get him to come to Vernon and successfully completed without incident and the 3rd, well.... Pfft, come on Tommy, thats all ya got? I now am proud to call Tommy (and his amazing wife, Amelie) not just my inspiration but also a family friend who continues to inspire and support me.


7 - Tosca Reno - Author of The Eat Clean Diet Books. She was once unhappy and overweight (hey, sound familiar?) and lost the weight, changed her life around, and is now positive and successful and I admire her for that. I have not met her but I plan on it one day!!


8 - Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels (The Biggest Loser Fame) I would watch them on the Biggest Loser and just admire how they could transform not only people's bodies, but their minds as well. They are so inspiring to me and it would be a dream come true to one day meet them


Because I know how important my inspirations are to me, I appreciate so much when people tell me that I inspire them. As i said, that is one of the best compliments a person can get, in my opinion and it means so much to me.


So, let me ask you this..... Who inspires you?

Through Others Eyes

Sometimes I truly wish I could see in myself, what other people see in me. When I look in the mirror, I see my fat arms, puffy stomach, big hips, and bags under my eyes. When I'm at the gym, I feel like I am the biggest one there. I'm so good at motivating others but when it comes to myself, I just see this big girl, who no matter how hard she tries, is never going to be anything but big! Even though I have lost 62 lbs, all this is what still runs thru my head. 


Thru the years, when I was bigger, I was always told things like "you have such a pretty face", "what a great personality you have", "if only you could lose some weight, you would be so much prettier"..... You get the picture. People never thought to ask the "why"..... why did I gain weight? Why did i feel so bad about myself? Society today looks at overweight people and just thinks that they are overweight because they eat too much..... and yes, obviously, thats one part of it, however, WHY do they eat too much? Its not because its fun... I know for me, it was to fill a void in my life. Food is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol.... but because we need food to survive, people dont look at it like that. They think you lack willpower, determination.... that your lazy. For some people, this may be true, but its not true for all people who are overweight. 


Its so hard, when your bigger, to motivate yourself to go to the gym. Its not because we are lazy, its because we are self conscious. I know, for me, I think everyone is staring at me, noticing all my flaws, wondering why I am even there, noticing that I am the biggest one in the room. I know, realistically, that's not true. They are looking at themselves, and some of them, no matter what the size, are feeling just as self conscious as I am. 


I have always used humor in stressful situations. I guess I learned that from my Dad. I was always the first person to make a joke about my weight. I didn't do this because i wanted people to turn around and say something nice to me. I didnt want that kind of attention. It was as if i just needed to insult myself before someone else did. I have said hurtful things about myself such as, "i hate going to the beach because im constantly dodging harpoons", or "who needs a whale watching tour when you've got me", or "no, its not an earthquake, its just me running behind you"....... Oh, i could go on forever. I never realized until recently that this isnt funny to other people. It makes them feel uncomfortable. They dont see what I see... or maybe they do and are just being nice. I am working on accepting compliments because I am not used to recieving them. I often feel like im not deserving of them. I know, deep down, that I am and I am working on that. I wear a hair elastic around my wrist and everytime I insult myself... whether its outloud or in my head, I snap it. When I first started doing this, i realized how mean i was to myself throughout each day. No wonder i wasnt succeeding. The voices in my head had taken over and what I kept saying about myself was hindering my success. 


Fast forward to today...... I have learned to love myself the way that I am in the moment. It took me 40 years to figure this one out, I guess you could say Im a slow learner. You have to love yourself in the moment and everything else will fall into place. Yes i have lost 62 lbs and i am proud of that. Do I have more to go? Yes, absolutely! But to succeed, I have to love myself right now, in this moment, as I am and everything else will slowly fall into place. Its not easy, but anything in life worth having is not easy! So if you dont love yourself, right now, in this moment, ask yourself.... Why not?! You are amazing just the way you are!! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjhCEhWiKXk

The Days to Follow

Its amazing how, when someone close to you passes away, you slowly find your new normal. As normal as that can be when you are feeling like you have suddenly lost a body part. I had to go on for Taylor even though some days, all I wanted to do was stay in bed. I think Taylor helped me through Rene`s death more than I helped her through it. 


They say that kids under the age of 6 are very intuitive and that they can see people who have passed because their minds aren't so tainted yet. They cant think of ways to explain it away. They just know it to be true. One day when i just started crying out of the blue, Taylor asked why I was so sad. When i told her that I missed her Daddy, she told me not to be so sad, because Daddy was standing right behind me! There were so many times when she would say things like that. I picked her up from daycare one day and the girls there told me that Taylor had made them all cry. She was on the swing going back and forth, holding the chain with one hand, and her other hand was straight out to the side. They told her to hang on to the swing with both hands and she just looked right at them and said so seriously.... I'm holding my Daddy`s hand. Often times she would wake up in the morning to tell me that she had been talking to her Daddy and that his headache had gone away, and that he was having a good time with Grandpa Woodie. (My Dad) Those times would always give me so much comfort and make me feel at peace. Sometimes, in the car, she would tell me that Rene was sitting beside me or that he was on the roof of the car, looking at her thru the back window, waving and smiling and she would sit in her carseat and giggle to herself. 


Rene`s Mom invited Taylor and I to come stay with her in Calgary for as long as we wanted. She thought it would be nice for me to just get away from the house for awhile and she could spend some time with Taylor and I. I decided that would be a great idea, so we waited until after Nanas bday on Sept 20 so we could celebrate her 82nd birthday, and the next morning we packed up the car and headed to Calgary. My friend, Michelle, who I had mentioned before, came with me for the drive and was going to stay for a few days and then fly back home. It was good to be with Mom daSilva because we were both going thru such sadness and pain, and we lifted each other up. She spent alot of time with Taylor as well, and let me be alone when i needed to be. I would go to the gym to work off some steam... (probably the first time i had set foot in a gym for quite sometime but I found it to be therapeutic.) I spent some time with friends that i didnt normally get to see since we lived so far away, and hung out with my sister. Mom daSilva took me to the Opera (my very first ever) and Rene`s brother got me Flames and Canucks hockey tickets and I, of course, brought Darlene with me. (now thats a whole other blog in itself.. lol) 

I was sitting outside on Mom`s beautiful back deck one sunny day, and she came out and sat with me and we had a glass of wine. We began to talk about the future (which was really a scary concept to me since I was just trying to make it thru each day at this point) and I will never forget her words. She told me that I was still very young (31 years old) and that I had my whole life ahead of me. She said that it would be unrealistic of her to think that I would never find someone else to love.. (at this point I told her that I never would love again) and that as long as I was happy and whoever i was with treated both Taylor and I with love and respect, she would be accepting and happy for me. She is an amazing lady and she will always be my mother in law. At that moment, being with anyone else seemed impossible and I assumed I would just be there for Taylor and be alone. It was all so painful and I really didnt want to take the chance of losing someone again, and having to feel this pain all over again.



After a month of being in Calgary, it was time to face my fears, go back home to Vernon and try to continue on with my life. I needed to find a job... ( i had a daycare in my home the summer before Rene passed, but i just couldn't see myself doing that anymore. It reminded me too much of Rene`s first stroke in the driveway, as I had daycare kids with me that day, and the memory was just too painful) Neither one of us had a will, nor did we have life insurance so it was time to figure out our finances. I will tell you that I absolutely do have a will now and I tell everyone to make sure they do as well. We all think that we are invincible and will live forever, but I now know this to be untrue. I also learned how amazing the community was in my time of need. Our credit union manager called me one day to let me know they had deposited some money into my account in hopes that it would help just a little bit. Rene`s employer put out a challenge to his fellow coworkers to help raise money for us, and the the boss matched what everyone raised and personally delivered a cheque to my house. I was amazed and overwhelmed by the support and kindness of people who didnt even know me. I always said that if I ever got the chance to return the favor to anyone in need, I would definetly take that chance. One day, many years later, I would do exactly that. 

The Long Drive Home

I am pretty sure that driving home from the hospital was the longest drive in the entire world. Rene's brother offered to drive me home but I really just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. There were so many thoughts running thru my mind and I needed to process them all. 


1 - Did I really just lose my husband? The person who I had thought I would be spending the rest of my life with?
2 - How is this going to effect Taylor as she grows up?
3 - What am I going to say to Taylor to help her to understand why she will never see her Daddy again?
4 - How can I go to work tomorrow?
5 - How am I going to live without my husband?


These are just a few of the questions that ran thru my mind on the drive back to Vernon. 


There was one thought that I remember so clearly that day. One that I will never forget. As i drove the highway back to Vernon from Kelowna, along Kal Lake with the cliff and drop off into the lake on my right, I thought to myself..... one swift turn of this steering wheel to the right, and all this pain I am feeling will be gone..... 2 things stopped me from doing that. Knowing Taylor was at Nana's, not knowing that she had just lost her Dad, and if i chose to drive off the cliff, she would be an orphan... and the fact that Rene's Mom, my wonderful Mother in Law who i loved dearly, who had just lost her youngest son, was in the car directly behind me. I thought of her pain and how she would feel watching my car careen off the side of the cliff into the lake below and I realized how selfish I was being. I needed to just face this pain and fear head on, smarten the hell up and be there for my family. They just lost a son, a Dad, a brother in law, a friend..... how selfish I would be to take my own life now too. So I drove on to arrive at Nana's shortly after with not ever having another thought of suicide again. 


I recall a friend (Jauna) calling me on my cell just after i made that important decision, and as i answered, she asked me how Rene was doing... I then realized this was going to be a conversation that I would be repeating over and over in the coming hours, days and weeks. This was before the days of Facebook, so really, news didnt spread as quickly and as easily as it does now. I said to my friend.... "Rene is gone" and she simply asked... "where did he go?" No one ever thinks someone is going to die.. I mean, yes of course, we know that everyone eventually does... but we never expect it to happen to us or someone that we know. This was a conversation I would have for days to come. 


We arrived at Nana and Grandpa's in a caravan of cars. Myself in mine, Luke (Rene's brother) and Mom daSilva (Rene's Mom) in hers, and Michelle and her Mom in the 3rd vehicle. It felt like the march of death walking up the walkway into the front door. Taylor jumped into my arms and hugged me and immediately asked how Daddy was. No one looked at anyone, for fear of making eye contact and bursting into tears. I took Taylor into the tv room to have a talk. No talk that any 3 year old should have to hear. I sat her on the couch and looked in her the eyes and told her again about Daddy's really bad headache, and how he was just too sick and the Dr's couldnt help him, and that he wasnt coming home. She didnt cry. She looked up at me and said..." So Daddy is up in the sky with Grandpa Woody then? That will be nice for Grandpa cause now he isnt alone." Um WHAT? How can this child be so calm, so reassured instead of sobbing in a pile at my feet? She amazed me that day. I often think that my Dad's death (which will be a story to blog about soon) was a stepping stone for what was to come, to prepare me for this moment, to help Taylor understand death and loss, and if nothing else, maybe make something so horrible, just a tiny bit easier. 


I dont really remember much else about that day after that. We (Luke, Mon daSilva, and I) decided that we really didnt want to go back to the house that night, that it was just too painful, so we got 2 rooms at the Best Western Vernon Lodge. Taylor and I had our own room and by the time we went home and packed a bag for us, and got our room, i realized how mentally and emotionally exhausted I was. I had told Jauna when she had called me earlier that I didnt want visitors.... but as a good friend does, she didnt listen. Shortly after arriving at the hotel, i heard a knock on my door and Jauna and Diane were standing there. Noone had to say anything. I just let them in and we all sat on the bed and cried. We had the tv on and turned to Much Music for the background noise and I will never forget the first song I heard after losing Rene. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e4Zv-0O3uc

To this day, I cannot hear this song without having tears coming to my eyes.

The Stroke

When you are 31 years old, the last thing you expect to hear is that your 32 year old husband has had a stroke. 


The Drs said that Rene had suffered a Transient Ischemic attack. (or mini stroke in laymens terms) They werent sure why it happend but after running a few coordination tests, they came to this conclusion. It was a Wednesday. The first night, Rene spent the night in the emergency ward and in the morning, because of lack of beds, he was moved up to the maternity ward.... yes, you read that correctly.... the maternity ward. He was very edgy and miserable and had a severe head ache. The nurse explained to him that because he hadnt had a smoke since he was admitted, (yes, he was a smoker) he was experiencing withdrawal symptoms and gave him a Tylenol 3. We talked to some of the specialists on duty and they talked more about the stroke and that once he went home, he would need to inject  himself with blood thinners every day but that he would be ok. They said he would be discharged the next day, Friday by our family Dr. We waited all the next day for him and he never showed up. I finally called him at his office at 4pm on Friday as I knew he was leaving for a week for summer vacation. He didn't have time to come in and talk to us so he said he would give home care instructions to the nurse and send the discharge papers thru on the fax machine. Once we were shown how to do his injections, we were allowed to leave. A year or so later, I would come to find that the specialist had come up to see Rene just a half hour after we had already left, to tell us not to go because he was concerned..... If we had only waited a half an hour more.......


Rene has been home from the hospital for a week now and things seem to be back to normal except for the fact that he is injecting blood thinners into his stomach everyday. I noticed that his moods were starting to become a bit eratic though... such as, he would be laughing one minute and go into a fit of anger the next minute. I assumed that this was stress from the stroke and the fact that he was now on the wait list for heart valve replacement surgery... (let me rewind a bit here)

Rewind back to January 2001 - Just before Christmas of 2000, Rene had the flu and couldnt seem to shake it. He lost 30 lbs in about 6 weeks which was becoming a concern so I FINALLY  convinced him to go to the Dr. in January. We had an amazing family Dr at the time and he sent Rene for a bunch of tests but they all came back with nothing. He then sent him to the hospital for an ultrasound of his heart. Rene was not even home from the ultrasound when the Dr called the house and told me that as soon as Rene got home, to bring him down to the office. I was scared! When we got there, the Dr explained to us that they had found a "piece" on his heart valve and he needed to be admitted to the hospital right away. After some tests, it was discovered that Rene had Endocarditis... 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002088/

Rene had to stay in the hospital for a week and he recieved heavy duty antibiotics to get rid of the bacteria on his heart valve. (he had a leaky heart valve so would eventually need heart valve replacement, however, our cardiologist wasnt in a hurry to have this done) After a week, he was sent home with an intervenous antibiotic drip that would supply him with more antibiotics for another 6 weeks at home. After the 6 weeks, he had check ups with all the different Drs and his cardiologist said the "piece" on his heart valve was now sterile and he had nothing to worry about. Noone said that the endocarditis could come back and noone told us that the piece could break off and cause a stroke. 

Back to August 2002 - It is now August 31 and Rene has been home for 8 days. The mood swings have gotten worse and he has no energy at all. He spends alot of time sleeping which i continue to blame on the stress of the impending heart valve replacement surgery.... Saturday morning he gets up early and decides he is going to cut the lawn. I tell him to leave it and that I will do it when Taylor gets up but he insists that he is tired of laying around and needs to do something. He tells me to just stay in bed and relax so that's what I do. I hear the lawn mower turn on and it goes for a few minutes then stops. This is not unusual so im not worried. Taylor is now up (she is almost 4) and is in the family room watching tv. I am just getting out of bed when I hear Rene come inside. No big deal. The lawn mower must have ran out of gas..... If only that was what the problem was.....Rene comes stumbling into the bedroom, dragging his left leg behind him, his left arm hanging loosely by his side. He has a look of fear on his face and  he simply says, "its happening again." I jump out of bed and feel like im going to throw up or faint from the adrenaline that is pumping thru me. I run to the phone and dial 911. Taylor looks up from the couch and asks if Daddy has another headache. My heart starts to break. The ambulance arrives in record time. I call my Grandpa and ask if he can come pick up Taylor so I can go to the hospital with Rene. The paramedics have to get the "chair stretcher" as our hallway by our bedroom is small and they cant get the regular stretcher into our room. As they wheel Rene out of the bedroom, into the living room, Taylor asks, "May I hug Daddy?" Of course you can, I tell her. Give him lots and lots of hugs to hold him over until he comes home. I stay in the house with her as they take him into the ambulance, and we are watching from the family room window. As they lift him into the back, they stop and Rene waves to Taylor with his good arm and she waves back, and then the doors are shut. I will never, as long as I live, forget that moment. It was the last time Taylor saw her Daddy.

By the time I arrive in emergency, Rene is being looked at by the Drs. We see the Dr who is covering for our now family Dr (our original one that discovered the endocarditis in 2001 is now working in Vancouver, so we have a new one) because, if you remember back a week, our Dr was going on summer vacation and released Rene via fax machine. I call over to him and he comes running and asks what has happened. He immediately sends Rene for a ct scan. The results are back quickly and it is determined that he has TWO aneurysms in his brain.... 2 aneurysms that weren't there 8 days ago.... Hhhmmm.. They are now concerned about the blood thinners in his body so they give him plasma which reverses the effects and thickens his blood. The Dr says he is waiting to hear back from Kelowna's neurologist and if there is no one there, he will be arranging for a helicopter to take Rene to Vancouver. Rene says, "I dont like helicopters" and the Dr says, "I dont like strokes."  Shortly after, the ambulance arrives to take Rene to Kelowna. I ask if Im allowed to follow behind them but they tell me, "No, you are to drive the speed limit and meet us there." What? i dont get a speeding siren escort? No fair!! lol They think im pretty funny! I get to Kelowna and the nurse in emergency takes me to where Rene is. He is having some blood tests and an angiogram. The only thing Rene is concerned about right now is where they have to stick the angiogram tube... Clearly we both still have our sense of humor! LOL

Hours later, he is moved up to the CCU (Critical Care Unit). The neurologist is supposed to come up right away and see us but then there is a massive trauma that comes in so we have to wait until he is done in surgery. He finally comes in around 10pm and explains to us what is going on. The "piece" on Rene's heart valve broke off and went to his brain, causing the larger, more serious stroke. He says that Rene does, in fact, have two aneurysms, however, if you were to have an anuerysm, this would be the kind that you would want. (good news, I guess...) He continues on that Rene will be fine eventually. He is young and he will have to have physio for his left side that is not mobile right now, but that down the road, he will be back to normal. He explained what all the different iv's were for and mentioned antibiotics. I asked what those were for. He looked at me as if I had already known this and said, "its to treat his endocarditis." I said, but he doesn't have that anymore.. He looked at me and said, "his blood tests showed, that yes in fact, he does and has probably had it for about a month." Suddenly i remembered the "flu" that he had been unable to shake a few weeks back. My stomach now feels sick. Why did our family Dr not check for this 10 days ago when we were in emergency the first time? All Rene cares about is that he doesnt have to have brain surgery.... we all laugh. Its now quite late and I wasnt prepared for an overnight stay so Rene tells me to just go home and be with Taylor and to come back in the morning so after making sure he is sure, I relent, and make the drive back to Vernon. I call Nana and Grandpa, as that is where Taylor is, and they say to just go home and get some sleep and come by in the morning so that is what I do. I really dont sleep much and when i wake up, I call the nurse to check on Rene. She says he had a bad night, the pain in his head is really bothering him and he didnt sleep much but he is fine. She told me to take my time and be with Taylor for a bit and come in around lunch time so that is what I do. I dont want to bring Taylor with me yet because Rene asked me not too as he doesnt want her to be scared, so she makes him a "Get better soon" card for him. I call the nurse again as im on my way to the hospital around 1030 and she says he is napping so i decide to stop at Costco and grab him a few of his favourite snacks and some magazines for him to read. As i arrive and am  walking into his room, he has his back to me and is talking to the nurse. I hear him ask, "Do you know when my wife will be here?" and as she looks up and see's me, she says, "She is here now." She leaves the room as I walk over to him and he holds out his hand. I hand him the card Taylor made for him but his head is in such pain that he asks if I could just put it on the table beside him and he would have a look in a bit. I take his hand but he lets go and says he is sorry, but it hurts his head even to hold my hand, and i tell him its ok. At that moment, he grabs the rail on the side of his bed, winces in pain, and yells out. I ask him if he wants the nurse and he nods yes. I run to find her but she is with another patient. She looks a bit annoyed so i hang back a bit, but then finally i just say, please come quick. We go back to the room, and Rene is siezing! She calls the Dr and all of a sudden there are 6 people surrounding his bedside. I see blood coming from his mouth from him biting his lip.... I run out of the room and slide down the wall to the floor. A lady visiting her family member sits beside me and asks me if I am ok. Do I look like Im ok, i ask? I feel bad, even to this day, for snapping at her like that. Then the nurse comes out and asks me if there is anyone she can call for me. This cant be good, I say. I dont know who to call. My Dad is no longer alive, I dont want to upset my Nana and Grandpa, so I tell her to call my friend, Michelle. She does, and immediately comes back and says she is on her way, and I told her not to speed. I laughed, Michelle always speeds, I say. The nurse takes me to the "family room".... another sign this is not going to be good. She tells me that they are taking Rene for some tests and that he will be wheeled past the family room, so to watch for him. As they come down the hallway, i can see that his eyes are closed, and he has a tube down his throat helping him breath. I ask if im allowed to say anything to him and they say yes. I lean over and kiss his forehead and tell him that everything is going to be ok. (if only this were true)


 I had called Rene's Mom the night before and had told her what was going on and that Rene was going to be ok in time. She wanted to drive out that night, (She lives in Calgary) but I told her i didnt want her driving in the dark, and to just come in the morning. As i sit in the family room, waiting for someone to tell me something, I think now of his Mom who is on her way, who thinks she is just coming to see her son in the hospital but that he is going to be ok. I feel sick. Michelle, of course, arrives in record time (Armstrong to Kelowna in 30 minutes) but it is too late. The Dr has just been in to tell me that Rene is brain dead, he shows no sign of life and that he will never wake up. He has been moved to ICU, connected to machines to help him breath and that I can see him whenever I am ready. Will I ever be ready, I ask.

I make some calls and wait for Rene's mom to arrive. This seems to take days but it is only a short time. Before she comes, I ask the nurse to stay with me incase his Mom needs her. Rene's brother is also on his way via airplane from Calgary, also thinking his brother is going to be fine. I cant even believe this is happening right now. Naturally Rene's Mom is in shock and we just hold each other and sob uncontrollably. We find the strength to go see him. He appears to just be sleeping. The Dr clearly doesnt know what he is talking about. This isnt actually happening. These kinds of things dont happen to us. I sit beside Rene and take his hand. He is breathing and warm, I say. The nurse says thats only because the machines are keeping him alive. Rene's brother arrives and we explain what has happened. In all the years of knowing him, I dont think I have ever heard him swear.... except for now. The nurse asks us if we would like a priest to come. I say no, we arent religious but Rene's Mom said she would like that so we do. I feel as if im watching a movie, like this isnt really happening to me. Everyone leaves the room so I can be with Rene alone. I hold his hand and tell him everything I want and need to say, I tell him I will take care of Taylor and his Mom. I ask him to give me a sign one day, that he lives on, and ask him that if he does give me a sign, please do not do it at night as he knows I am scared of the dark. I let everyone else have their private time with Rene and then we all come back in together as the nurse turns off all the machines keeping his body alive.


 I have to tell you that it is nothing like it is on tv. They do not unplug the machines and the heart stops beating and the machine immediately shows a straight line and the beep from the machine goes into a constant beeeeeeeeeep. No, thats not what happens. The heart continues to beat....... and beat....... and beat...... and beat.... As i am holding Rene's hand up towards my face, I look down and see all the color run out of his hand, starting at the tips of his fingers and then down his fore arm. I put it back down on the bed and the color comes back just a bit. He is leaving us. My heart is now broken. Oh my God, how will I tell Taylor?

Rene

In the summer of 1992, I met Rene. My friend, David, introduced us one night at 3 Cheers.. (a bar in Calgary) I really didn't like him when I first met him. I thought he talked too much which is funny because after getting to know him, he was actually pretty quiet. A couple weeks later, I saw him out again and got to talking with him and we exchanged numbers. We started spending alot of time together and I really liked him although, even then, I saw some red flags. I still lived with Darlene at this time and so the 3 of us would spend alot of time together. We mostly did alot of drinking and eating out..... so the weight slowly kept creeping up on me. I never weighed myself back then because what I didn't know, didn't hurt me and i preferred to live in denial. And besides, we were having way too much fun to worry about things like my health. Rene had a temper and if he got mad at you, he would go for days, or even weeks, without talking to you. He worked for his brother at the family travel agency when I first met him. One day his brother said something that Rene didn't like, so he walked out and didn't go back. I remember asking why he didn't just call his brother and talk about what happened but he said just to never mind, I didn't know what I was talking about so I stayed out of it. One night i was at his apartment and I was going to spend the night, and i made a comment about how cute his freckles were, and that they were even on his lips. (he had freckles on his face and arms and i thought they were so cute) He immediately pushed me away, got up off the couch, pointed to the door and told me to "Get the hell out"! I was shocked and confused and asked him what was wrong but he wouldn't answer me. He locked himself in his room and wouldn't speak to  me. After about 20 minutes of trying to get him to talk to me, i gave up, got my stuff, and drove back home. I was so embarrassed showing up at home, and i didn't want Darlene to think bad things about him so i tried to make something up but she didn't believe me. Things like this were starting to happen more often than not and Darlene was getting fed up with it. I always made excuses for him... he was stressed cause he wasn't working, he wasn't getting along with his brother, etc etc.... I think I knew deep down that those were simply that.. excuses... but because i was so insecure and lets face it, used to verbal abuse, i just accepted it all. I really didn't know any better. 

We were together for about 3-4 months when he moved in with Darlene and I. I'm not sure how much longer after that, we decided to move away from Calgary. We couldn't seem to get away from the partying lifestyle living there, so we thought BC would be a nice change for us. The hardest thing I ever did was move away from Darlene. She was the only person that really understood me and I knew it was going to be sad without her. Rene told his Mom that we were moving away and she was sad but I think she was happy that maybe he was going to get away from all the drinking and make a new start at his life. We thought that we would move to Whistler.(Rene loved to ski and I loved BC so we thought that would be a good choice.) We stopped in Vernon to visit my Nana and spend some time with my longtime friend, Michelle and she convinced us to stay. We stayed with Michelle for a short time while we looked for a place of our own. We found a basement suite and moved in shortly after. I think we were there for about 5 months, when I came home one day to an eviction notice on our door. The landlord, who lived up stairs, had written that she was tired of our fighting and thought it was time we found somewhere else to live. It was true.... we did fight alot.... I dont think the alcohol helped matters much either so things always would escalate worse than they really should have. We moved to an apartment across town and nothing really changed. I think I was addicted to the whole process...... We would get along really well, then I would say or do something to upset him, he would get mad and either not speak to me for days or let me know how bad of a girlfriend I was, how I didnt understand him, how I would never find anyone that loved me like he did, the fight would escalate, I would apologize and things would be good again... for a short time. I remember one night having the police coming to our door and me having to call a friend in the middle of the night to come get me. We ended up buying a house and got married in 1998. Now dont get me wrong, I loved him very much and I know that he loved me. He had some demons of his own that he didnt know how to deal with and he didnt like to talk about things so they just remained bottled up inside. 

We ate out alot because Rene was a very picky eater, and lets face it, I wasn't a very good cook. The things I did know how to cook, he didn't like to eat. One night i thought i would surprise him with dinner and made pork chops with mushroom soup on top with some rice. He came home from work, i served him his dinner, he took 1 bite, spit it back out on the plate and said it tasted like puke. I was so hurt and i got mad at him, so he threw his plate with his food still on it, across the kitchen and then told me to clean up his mess as he walked back out the door and drove away. I was heartbroken. If only I could just do things right and not keep screwing everything up. 

In November of 1998, we gave birth to our daughter Taylor,. She was so beautiful and perfect. All I wanted to do was be a good Mom and not repeat past mistakes from my childhood. Obviously, being pregnant, I wasn't drinking, and that continued on after Taylor was born. I had alot of anxiety because i was trying so hard to be a good Mom. I think Taylor sensed that from me, and so she was a very fussy baby. I got a bit depressed after she was born and i felt so down all the time. She had her days and nights mixed up so i was up alot at night and then would try to sleep in the day but I felt like i needed to get things done at home while Rene was at work, so I didn't get much sleep in those first few months. At that point, my weight was at an all time high. It was a cold winter that year, and so I used the cold as an excuse to stay inside and not go for walks with Taylor in her stroller. I would crave McDonald's and I would go thru the drive thru at least twice a week and go back home to eat it where no one would see me. If people didn't see me eat it, then it must not have happened, right? 

Rene and I continued to have our ups and downs... another visit from the police to our house, a few nights staying at a friends house, but we always seemed to make it thru. One of the turning points for me was when Taylor was 6 months old and Rene had gone out one night to play pool with the boys and came home at 6am the next morning. I was sitting on the couch feeding Taylor and I didn't say much. I could tell he was still feeling the effects of the night before so i didn't want to start a fight right then. He was in the mood to fight though so he kept asking me what my problem was and wouldn't let it go. I explained that I had been up most of the night worried sick about where he was (remember, cell phones weren't really a necessity at this time)  and that I had no way to get in touch with him to make sure he was ok, nor did I know who he was with. He got mad and called me some profanities but i refused to give in this time and join the fight, especially because I had Taylor in my arms. He continued on and walked into the kitchen to walk out the door and I remember telling him to "kiss my ass"..... From the kitchen, I heard him chuckle and say...." I dont really have that kind of time, considering the size of your ass." I was heartbroken and hurt. I placed Taylor gently into her baby swing, strapped her in, walked into the kitchen, and punched him right in the face. I don't know what came over me..... All the years of my Dad (whom I loved so much) telling me how bad I was, fat I was, a failure I was.... and then to have my husband (who I also loved so much) basically say the same things to me... I just blacked out! We went to counselling shortly after that and it really seemed to help. Not only did we deal with our marriage problems, but I was able to go by myself and talk about alot of my childhood issues that I carried with me into our marriage. Rene was adopted and so he had some issues of his own that he was dealing with and he was really doing great at working on those.

(Now please dont get me wrong.... It wasn't all bad. We had alot of fun together and he loved Taylor with all his heart and was so good with her. I loved him with all my heart and thought we would be together forever. His family was so loving and kind to me, and they still are. This, of course, is only part of the story and I can only write so much at a time. As I write this blog, my mind seems to jump from event to event in no certain sequence and so please forgive me if it all seems so negative to start out.... Everything that has happened in my life has shaped me into the person that I am today and so I am grateful for every moment in my life... Good and bad. )

I will never forget that day in August of 2002. We had decided to paint our house blue. We spent alot of time on Kal lake on our boat (a 1971 boat, none the less, but we enjoyed every minute of it... when it would start, that is.. LOL) There is a house on the lake that was painted a dark blue with cream trim and I absolutely loved it, so one day Rene informed me that even though we didnt have a house on the lake, he was going to paint our house to match the one that I loved so much. The house was painted and he was working on the trim. He was in the driveway and I was standing there with him and we were having the best talk. (I wish I could remember what we were talking about now)... All of a sudden he started babbling and not making any sense. I thought he was being funny, so i laughed and asked him what he was saying. He stumbled towards me with a look of fear on his face and I asked him if he was ok. He wasnt mumbling anymore but i noticed the left side of his face was a bit droopy and he was drooling a tiny bit. As he walked up the back stairs to go into the kitchen, i asked him if he was ok. He looked at me and said.... "call the ambulance." 

Getting to Know Me (Part 2)

Darlene and I

I would have to say the most fun I had in my 20's was when I lived with my friend, Darlene. I met her in 1992 when the Safeway that I worked at closed down and I was transferred to another location in Calgary. Darlene worked at the customer service desk there and we hit it off right away.... Ok, no we didn't. Remember, I was super shy? I didn't know anyone at that store and at the time, it was the largest Safeway in Western Canada so i really did feel like a fish out of water. I felt like everyone was staring at me in my polyester pants and unflattering, white polyester Safeway top.... Man, those uniforms were BAD!! Every few days, Darlene would yell at me from the customer service desk at the till I was working on and invite me out for drinks at Don Cherry's, the pub up the street from Safeway where all the employees went after work. I told her I didn't have anything to change into... she offered to lend me something... I told her i couldn't afford it.... she offered to lend me money.... i told her that I wasn't feeling well.... she told me to "Shut the EFF UP" and come out with her and the girls..... Finally, I gave in and went. It went all uphill...... or downhill (LOL) from there! I lived quite a ways away from the store and my car wasn't the most reliable and she needed a roommate so we got a super cute basement suite together. She didn't have a car so we shared mine. We were known to have the BEST Safeway parties around! Yep, you guessed it.... the drinking and eating bad food continued thru my 20's. I was aware that i was continuing to gain weight but I was having so much fun that I really didn't care. Everyone once in awhile id feel bad about my habits and go for a bike ride.. that would last for about 20 minutes and my butt would be sore from the seat so back home I would go. We lived, literally, within 20 steps either way of a McDonald's, Wendy's, Mr Sub, Dunkin Donuts, Panago (Panagopolos at that time) and the Pied Pickle. (That was a pub directly across the street from our house! What more could a girl ask for, right?) 


I really didn't see my parents (Dad and Step - Mom) very often. I was in South Calgary and they were in Airdrie. My real Mom lived in Ontario and of course, I couldn't afford to buy a plane ticket to go see her. Its hard to save money when all you do is work, drink and eat! Sometimes I wouldn't call home (to Airdrie) and I would see how long it would take them to call me.... i always ended up giving in and calling them. They never asked about my life, who i was hanging out with, what i was doing. I missed my sister and brother but because they were so much younger than me, they didn't even drive yet. I remember one Christmas Eve I had to work and then was going to go out to Airdrie for the holidays. My car had broken down so my step - mom had said that she would come pick me up. I was waiting outside the store for her to come get me, and after about an hour and a half, I realized she wasn't coming. I had to walk up to a gas station to call because by this time, everyone else at work had left to be with their families. She had forgotten all about me and everyone at home had been drinking so noone could come get me. I had to take a cab back to my basement suite on Christmas Eve and stay there all by myself because noone remembered to come get me. I had always felt like they didnt love me, but this was probably the lowest point for me. I walked to McDonald's and the beer store and celebrated Christmas Eve alone. Someone picked me up the next morning, but honestly, I cant remember who it was. I just remember feeling unloved and unwanted. 


I pulled away even more from my family after that. If they didn't even remember me at Christmas, what was the point of making any effort? I always made sure I called my Nana once a week and kept her updated on what was going on with me so that she didn't worry. She had a bad habit of worrying about me and i didnt like it when she did. I mentioned previously that when I was 19, I had moved out for the 2nd time. The first time was when i was 17 and it wasn't voluntary. I was told to get out after I was caught skipping by my Dad. I wasn't a bad kid, really. Sure, I had a snotty attitude, thought I was smarter than the adults, but what teenager isn't like that? (including my own 13 year old daughter.... I can often hear my Dads voice saying to me..... "its payback time!") I never drank, smoked, did drugs, snuck out.. NOTHING! Just had a smart mouth, and skipped school once. I came home from school that day and there was my Dad at the front door with that look on his face.... the one that made my stomach feel sick and the hair on the back of my neck stand up...He told me to get my stuff packed and get the hell out (and not really in those words)..... I thought he was kidding so i ignored him and went to my room.... only to have my step - mom come down to my room when she got home from work with garbage bags in her hands, standing there watching while i packed all my belongings into them. As I was packing I started feeling like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders even though i had no idea where i was going to go. I ended up walking to a friends house and her parents let me stay there for awhile. Which brings me back to why I dont like to let my Nana worry...... because once she found out that I had "moved out", which is what "they" told her, she got so worried, that a blood vessel burst in her head from anxiety and I felt responsible for that so I always made sure i kept in touch with her. 


All this happened in my Grade 11 year. I lived at my friend's house for about a month but when her parents grew tired of a 3rd teenage girl in the house, (they already had 2 of their own) they kindly asked me to leave. I was so ashamed and again felt like I wasnt wanted. I packed only what i could fit into a suitcase and off i went. I had a part time job at that time so i was making a bit of money when i wasn't at school. One of the older girls that I worked with, offered to let me stay at her place. She was a year or 2 older than me and I looked up to her because she was so pretty and thin and before she had graduated, she had been in the "popular crowd." I finally felt important. I also had a boyfriend during this time. I think he was another reason my Dad was so mad at me all the time... Dad didnt like him one bit... Im not sure why.... maybe because he was my first boyfriend, maybe he saw something in him that I didn't.... who knows. After a couple weeks, I felt really uncomfortable where i was staying.... the girl who I looked up to had some scary friends... Or maybe they just seemed scary to me because i was so naive? They were always drinking, they were loud, obnoxious and would sometimes come into my room to bug me. They never did anything to me but I always wondered if they would have if i hadnt moved out so quickly. I liked living there because it was close to my brother and sister's school and so I could go visit them at the daycare when they were done school because I wasnt allowed to go home and see them. Then "they" found out I was going to see them, so they told the daycare lady not to let me in if I came by again. I felt lower than ever. My brother and sister were the only things really keeping me happy and feeling loved. Now I didn't even have them.


For about a month, I really had no place to go. Every morning I would wake up at someones house and not know where i was going to sleep that night. I really felt like I couldn't go back "home" because no one wanted me. I sometimes wonder now, what would have happened if I had just called and asked to come back home. This is about the time I got to know Shona. (Remember her from last time? I moved out with her into an apartment when I was 19) Her and I had got to talking one day when we both had a spare and i opened up to her and told her what was going on in my life at that time. She said I could stay at her house anytime, and, in fact... I could stay there tonight if i wanted to. Just have Chris (my bf at the time) bring me over after 8pm because thats when her parents went to bed. HUH?! So for a week, i was living at her parents house and they had no idea... Or did they? Her parents went to bed really early because they got up at 5am to go to work every day. Once they were in bed, they never got back up until morning, and had no reason to check in on Shona before they went to work so they never even knew i was there. After a week of literally climbing in thru Shona's bedroom window, her parents invited me over for dinner. They told me that as long as I was going to school, they would give me a roof over my head, and would treat me like one of their own.. and they also said that from now on, I could use the front door instead of Shona's bedroom window!! LOL


Too be continued.....