Im Sooo Tired

Have you ever went to the gym for a workout, started talking to your trainer and began to bawl like a small child? ...... Well, that's what happened to me this morning at 6am. Part of it could have been because, well.. it WAS 6am!! lol But in all seriousness, I'm not really sure what happened... We were talking about my weight loss struggle and my emotions just all bubbled  to the surface. I felt like I was a contestant on The Biggest Loser and she was Jillian Michaels! uplol


The truth is..... I'm just SO tired! Not physically tired, but mentally! Tired, exhausted..... at my wit's end. I'm so tired of counting calories, cutting out this, adding that, thinking about every single thing i put in my mouth, what i can and cant have.... the list goes on and on. I feel as if this is a struggle that is never ending! Just when you think you have it all figured out, it turns out that you really don't! 

In my many years of struggling I have tried EVERYTHING and yes, it works..... at the time.. But can you continue that fad diet for ever? NO!! Its so easy to give in to society and marketing and get the quick fixes... use the diet pills, drops, injections..... the list goes on and on. But you cant do that forever and it messes with your hormones and metabolism. Dont believe me? You should! Ive tried it all and im paying for it in my older years as my  metabolism slows down and i struggle even more. Im SO Tired!

I have been meeting with an amazing Naturopath since February and its been going great. Had my food intolerances tested and came back with alot of interesting information. NO eggs! or eggs whites! NO mushrooms. NO dairy. (cows milk) Seriously? Thats a really yummy omelet!! No gluten, no wheat...... and so on and so on! Ok next..... I get my hormones checked to see if that is affecting my weight loss. Turns out I am anemic and have low testosterone. Ok! So i take supplements to help with those issues.... I step on the scale last week... YES i know the scale isnt the only measurement but I am a scale person. Im working on it. Im a work in progress.... Since ive been taking the testosterone, (3 weeks) I have gained 6lbs! Doesn't matter if its the supplements or not..... 6lbs scares the hell out of me as im already struggling to lose and now have 6 extra lbs to shed! I know, I know... a number on the scale doesn't define a person and I shouldnt let it get to me but it DOES! At times I feel like a failure. I am embarassed. 

I am SO tired of this struggle. I am SO tired with this war I am having in my own head. I'm so tired of hearing that I need to just love myself! I know this but  HOW do you do that when you have never been taught how to love yourself before? I grew up with adults who constantly told me that I needed to be better, that I shouldnt be eating this or that, (I was thin when I was younger), that I would never amount to anything.... the list goes on and on. So now I continue to carry that with me as an adult which I am sure is one of the biggest reasons I continue to struggle.

All I want is to be happy in my own mind and then I know it will all come together, but I just dont know how to do that. I am starting something new with my trainer and I am putting my FULL trust in her hands. She is someone that has always wanted me to succeed and has never given up on me and Im handing myself over to her with full faith. Why......... Because im SO tired!! 

Stay tuned...........

Challenging Myself - Okanagan Trestle Tour 2013

This past weekend I completed something I would never have thought of doing a few years ago.  That was the first annual Okanagan Trestle Tour. 80kms on a bike from Myra Canyon thru Naramata and finally into Penticton. Piece of cake is what I thought... the pictures on the website looked beautiful. I was told the trail was completely flat and easy, with an slight decline after Chute Lake. We would complete it in 5-6 hours tops... and that's with stopping for pictures.....

What really happened that day?..........

Sunday morning we were up at 6 to get ready to catch the buses to the top of Myra Canyon from Penticton. Our bus driver was hauling ass, passing other buses on our way. We were going to be one of the first people to arrive, it seemed. Then some other buses turned and we kept going...... and then pulled into a gas station as she was afraid the bus wouldn't make it up the steep hill into Myra Canyon, so that set us back about 20 minutes as people on the bus chose that as a time to run to the bathroom. (only ONE bathroom in the gas station so that took up some time)

Back on the road and up the steep hill, all gravel, huge pot holes and a very bumpy ride began to make me nervous. Finally we arrive and we see all the bikes set up... or where once was all the bikes... Not many bikes left which tells us we are close to the end of the pack. We get ready and off we go... Km 0 is the first sign we see.. Ok... only 80kms to go! No problem. The trail is wide and flat, nice smooth ride... stop to take some pictures and go over some trestles. As we come around a corner, we see at least 100 people stopped... standing on the trestle with their bikes, not really moving. What is going on, we ask? Because one of the trestles was damaged in a rock slide a few weeks back, they have made a 1.3km bypass just for us. No problem, we say....... Until we get closer to where the bypass is and we see people scaling straight up a mountain side on a small dirt path pushing their bikes... Have I mentioned I am scared of heights and we are already up pretty high before we start scaling that mountain.... while pushing our bikes!! As im walking up this incline, i slip and fall, and almost drop my bike. Now im scared. A lady and her husband are in front of us and her husband grabs her bike as well as his, and she comes back down and grabs mine! She looks at me and says, "we are all in this together!"... I was almost brought to tears by her kindness. 

Relieved to have completed the bypass, we are back on our way down the trail. We are cruising along and just looking forward to the first aid station where we can fill up our water bottles and grab a power bar to keep us going....... Arrived to find that ALL the power bars were already gone. We heard later that people were taking 3-4 bars for themselves, leaving nothing for the rest of us. Thats ok because we have a few snacks of our own and we are promised there are lots of snacks at the Chute Lake aid station. Who knew that getting to that aid station would be so difficult... A few kms after the first station, we encountered sand on the trail... and when i say sand, i dont mean a tiny bit.... I mean thick sand that felt like you were riding your bike on the beach! Noone mentioned sand in the advertisement. I thought I was just being a baby and i was getting so frustrated from the difficulty of trying to maneuver my bike in it, when i saw Brent up ahead get off his bike and throw it! I asked him if he was ok and he just replied.. "Effing Sand!"..... Ok!! This is good to know that he was struggling as well because I thought i was just being a baby. It was TOUGH. We didnt see people for Kms at a time, and we thought the we were never going to arrive in Chute Lake... Finally we did and we saw our friends that we were there with, only for them to tell us that this station, as well, had run out of food! We wanted to cry.... not just from the lack of food, but because we were exhausted from all the sand, and couldn't bare the thought of riding thru anymore of it. A lady at that station assured us that was the end of the sand and it was an gradual decline the rest of the way to Penticton. We sat there for a bit, considering whether we should go on or throw in the towel as we still had over 50kms to go. We decided to continue on.

No food at Chute Lake = Sad Faces

As we passed Chute Lake, it definetly was a gradual decline down, however, there was STILL sand! So now we are not only having a hard time biking in the sand, but because its a hill, we are trying not to go too fast as our bikes keep going out of control. And if the sand is gone, there are huge rocks that could make us wipe out at any second. By now we are about 36kms in, our butts are sore, my wrists and lower back are killing me, blisters on my thumbs and im mentally exhausted. I dont know how I can go on anymore since we arent even half way there yet. I get off my bike for a bit and walk it, Brent walks beside me, and I break down. I say I cant do this anymore thru my tears and Brent tells me that I can. I reply... Well, yes I CAN but i dont want to! haha We get back on our backs and continue on...

Third aid station at the Adra Tunnel Bypass Trail...... i believe we are at Km 58... and once again, they are all out of food! We want to sit on the ground and sob by this time! One of the volunteers tells us that there is a bus waiting about 10kms down the trail for anyone that wants to get a ride back to Penticton. We say that we definetly will want to do that. And then we continue on.... There isnt as much sand now but as we are still going downhill, there are large rocks and embankments on either side of us.... there is a switchback now that takes us back towards Kelowna for 6kms and that is playing with our minds.... All we know is that we are going backwards and getting farther, not closer to our destination. A lady in front of us is getting picked up as the sand and rocks has made her wipe out and she is hurt... Brent falls off his bike as we pass her, his gears are no longer working on his bike except for one, and we are exhausted and hungry by this time. Its almost 6pm and we have been at this since 930 am that morning! We cant wait to see the bus and get on it! As we make our way back around the switchback towards Penticton again, we see Glen (event organizer) in his car and he stops and gets out when he sees us and asks if we want a ride. We dont say no but we dont say yes yet... Brent asks how much longer until the trail gets smooth, and Glen says only about 4-5kms and then its smooth sailing....... He goes into his car and gets a box of fruit bars and gives us half the box and some vitamin water and says we are doing amazing....Brent and I say we will continue...... We have some of the bars and vitamin water and carry on.

I can see Penticton!!

We see the final aid station up ahead as well as the bus and then we see the kms marker...... We are at 67kms! We look at each other and say Bus or continue on?....... Brent looks at the empty bus and yells... "Screw You Bus!! We are finishing this bad boy!" and off we go!!! Suddenly we are on a smooth even trail. NO sand! NO boulders! And we can see Penticton although it still looks so far away! We bike as fast as our legs will go......... 6.5kms left....... 6kms..... 5.5kms..... at every half km marker we give out a Woo Hoo!! We are smiling for the first time in about 50kms! We can see the end....1km!........ and suddenly we are crossing the finish line!! 

I will tell you that this was the MOST challenging thing I have ever done, both mentally and physically. I learned alot about myself that day and Brent and I grew even closer out there in the middle of nowhere. We supported each other when we thought we couldn't go on. We laughed and cried together up there on that mountain and we conquered it together! There is noone else I would have rather been up there with that day. We are proud of ourselves for not quitting and letting it get the best of us! I can proudly say i finished!!!


If you are interested, here is the map route showing the distance we went. 
http://www.okanagantrestlestour.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/route_google_large.jpg

I would also like to add that this event was very well put together from start to finish! I have heard people complain about certain aspects of it such as running out of food etc. I know what its like to run a first time event, and you never know what to expect the first time around. As far as running out of food....... the food that was to be supplied were Solo Bars... As adults, knowing that we are about to embark on an 80km bike ride, wouldnt it be wise to bring your own food and snacks and not to rely on just a few bars? After all, it is a long way and we wouldnt go on a long hike without food, would we? I would consider doing again if the bypass was gone... lol, which it will be, and the sand was gone... I think if it werent for those 2 things, we would have been a bit faster and a little less challenging. 

Love Yourself

People constantly are telling others that you just need to love yourself but no one really can tell them how. This is a concept, to me, that is easier said than done. Similar to someone saying, "you just need to have patience". Well, that's great and all but what if you weren't taught patience? These are things you cant just turn around and simply DO, you need the tools to make them happen. 

I am uncomfortable with compliments. I dont know why, I just am. Oh sure, if I sat down and really thought about it, I could figure out why they make me uncomfortable. Im sure one of the reasons is that I just don't believe it. I have had people say "You are beautiful", "You inspire me",  "You are awesome" , etc......... but I have such a hard time believing it and I wish that I could. I wish  I could see myself the way others see me, and I truly dont know how to figure out a way to do that. YES, I absolutely need to STOP the negative self talk. ABSOLUTELY! Do i need to stop comparing myself to others? YES! Easier said than done!

Sometimes I feel like Im not deserving of love. I know this stems back to my childhood and the things that were said to and about me. (that's a whole other blog post that Im not ready to dive into) Its true what they say about words hurting and you cant take back the harmful things that you say, even if you don't really mean them. Once they are out, they are out!

As im writing this, Im googling ways to love yourself and these are a few things that I have come up with that I thought I would share. 

1 - Learn to let go of past events. You deserve a fresh beginning! There are a lot of people out there that have had hard lives/bad beginnings or moments. Don't close yourself out of grief, disappointments, or fears of future ridicule. Acknowledge your feelings, but work to put them behind you. Cherish what you have learned from your challenges, and how you have changed and grown from them. Forgive those who have done you wrong. Most importantly, though, forgive yourself.

2 - Forgive yourself. Don't punish yourself for something you have done in the past. Instead, look at the mistake as a learning experience. Say to yourself now: “I forgive myself for _______.” Go look in a mirror and say it out loud to yourself. Look yourself right in the eyes and speak forgiveness like you mean it. Don't ever demean or ridicule yourself. If you do, laugh out loud, realizing that was then and this is now. Every day is a new beginning. If you did something you are not proud of, resolve never to do it again and take steps to keep it out of your mind.

3 - Sit in front of the mirror. Imagine in the mirror is someone putting you down. Then, practice calmly saying to her, "I do 'not' care," with a smile. Practice it until you truly believe it. Do not allow some other person's image of perfect to manifest you. If you believe you are pretty, the person in the mirror will look pretty. If you focus on what others hate about you, that is all you will see.

4 - Put positive statements up some places where you will see them each and every day. "I am beautiful." or "I have the courage to love." Write notes that remind you of what you love most about yourself. Read them out loud, every day, at least once, ideally at least ten times each time you notice one of them. Sticky notes are fabulous for such affirmations and goals.

5 -  Keep a journal. Write about your experiences, good and bad. When you write down good experiences, allow yourself to feel those feelings. When you remember bad experiences, allow yourself to feel self-compassion. Compassion is not self-pity, but rather willingness to be present/accept with one's own pain and regret. Most people experienced chronic emotional invalidation growing up; adults shouldn't expect others to be validating, and need to learn how to validate themselves. Compassion allows us to be present with our pain so it can be acknowledged and let go.



To check out more points, follow this link to the website I found these from. 
http://www.wikihow.com/Love-Yourself

One of Those Days

Sometimes i think i am always going to be bigger. It seems no matter what I do, i can barely get that scale to move and its just so frustrating!! As a trainer, I have helped clients lose weight and become healthier than they have ever been, yet when i follow the same advice that I give to them, i have no success and i just don't get it. I have had food intolerance tests, i cut those out and still nothing. I work out 5-6 times a week on top of that and the scale just doesn't budge. Some days i just want to throw my hands in the air and scream, "I surrender!!"... but i continue on. 

Lets not forget all the head trash that goes along with the weight. I have been self conscious and had low self esteem from growing up....... (thats a whole other blog all together.... lol) I feel uncomfortable when i walk into a large group of people because i think everyone is thinking about me what i think of myself. I don't like to be the center of attention, i feel like everyone around me is superior to me, and it just goes on and on. I don't know how to change this thinking. Some days are great, and then i will look in the mirror as i get dressed, and the negative self talk begins all over again. I try to find something that i like about myself. Ok, i really like my eyes... Well that's great, however, nice eyes don't make my pants look good! If im walking in front of other people and I hear laughing, i assume they must be laughing at me. Its so tough being inside my own head some days. 

I have tried fad diets over the years and I'm here to say THEY DON'T WORK! Yes, of course they work in the short term however, once you go back to eating normally, you will gain all that weight back that you lost, and usually then some. Taking out an entire food group, cutting calories, only eating apples, cabbage soup,  injecting yourself with hormones... none of that is natural, and just because your Dr suggested it, doesn't mean its good for you. It frustrates me to no end when i am working my ass off with no results and ill see someone be proud because they lost 20lbs in 6 days because of some crazy fad diet they are doing!! I could do that too but what kind of benefit would that bring me in the long run, not to mention my poor family who would have to deal with my moodiness because i would be starving, and trying not to eat the furniture.

I miss having a trainer to work one on one with. I miss the way they push me past my limits... something that i don't do as well on my own. Its hard to motivate yourself at times and easy to say, oh ill just do 2 sets of those instead of 3, even though you are just cheating yourself. Anyone want to be my trainer? LOL 

I guess this is where I say i will now vow to work on my inner dialogue and try to see myself as others see me. Definetly easier said that done but, hey, im a work in progress! :) I am grateful for an amazing husband who loves me for who i am and gives me no pressure to change. I just want to be someone that everyone can be proud of. I have people tell me that i am an inspiration to them and sometimes i just dont get how that can be when i feel like a failure inside. Most of all, I want to be proud of myself! I believe, that one day, eventually, I will be there....... I just wish i knew when that was... im getting impatient. 

Finding Love Again - Part 2

So, if you read Part 1 of Finding Love Again, you will remember that i left off with the camping trip where I came to realize that i was falling for Brent. I still wasn't sure how Brent felt about me so I kept my feelings to myself. It was hard to read him sometimes. We still continued to hang out all the time, whenever we could, and he ended up moving out of his girlfriends house and into my basement as I had an extra bedroom down there. I still believed that he only thought of me as a friend and I wasn't sure if our relationship would go any farther but I was just happy to have him in my life, no matter the capacity. Taylor enjoyed having him around too and they did fun bonding things together without me sometimes like going to tube town while i was at work, going to the park, etc. Taylor seemed just as happy as I was. 

Brent, just like myself, had gone thru alot of difficult things in his childhood while growing up and he had alot of commitment issues. Something he never kept from me. He was always honest and would say that he didnt want to hurt me, but it was probably inevitable because he always hurt everyone that he loved. I was thinking... Whoah? What? Loved? Did you just say that? The butterflies started all over again. He had a closed heart from all the hurt and pain in his life but I could see his heart slowly opening up more as time went on. It seemed like suddenly, overnight, he had moved upstairs to my room.... Now I say overnight, but that's obviously not the case... lol I cant remember one exact moment where it just happened, but it did and it was great. We still weren't telling anyone.... not because we didn't want anyone to know, but because our relationship didn't really seem any different.. the only thing that was different was where he chose to sleep now. That's how comfortable our relationship truly was. 

I worked at a real estate company and so one night we were talking about houses and such and we just started talking about whether we should go look at houses, then suddenly, we WERE looking, and then wham, we moved into our new house and were a family! It felt so great to feel happy again but was sad to be leaving a house that had so many memories, good and sad. It was a fresh start for the 3 of us, but was difficult at the same time. I felt like I was saying goodbye to Rene all over again and it was just so heartbreaking. We had planted a tree in the front yard, at his Celebration of Life, and I felt like, because we were leaving it behind, we were also leaving a part of Rene behind. I always wished that I had of brought it with us and planted it at our new house, for both myself and for Taylor. But i know its just a tree... Rene will always be with us whether we had brought the tree with us or not. To this day, when I drive past our old house, i look at that tree in the front yard and smile. 

Brent had left his job of 11 years for something new and different. He worked regular 9-5 hours now instead of 12 hour days, 6-7 days a week so we thought, hey, we should take Taylor to Disneyland!! So we did!! We were going thru customs on the way to LA and Brent was acting all wierd and kept watching the carry on bags as they went thru the monitor. I thought it was sort of odd, but didnt think too much about it. Then the guy asked if he could go thru my purse so i said sure. I didnt have anything to hide. Brent looked a bit worried and was still acting funny and he went up to one of the other baggage handlers and said something to him. The guy smiled and said something back to him and then Brent came back over to me. I asked him what he was doing and he said he just asked why they were going thru my  purse and the guy told him not to worry, and that it was routine. I was to find out later that this wasn't true. 

Neither one of us had ever been to Disneyland so it was such a fun experience for all 3 of us together. The first day there was so magical and fun and i couldn't think of a more fun day ever! After Taylor had gone to bed, we were sitting on the bed having a glass of wine, when I turned to Brent and said just that...... "This day could NOT get any better than this"........ Brent looked at me and said, "yes i bet it could"...... he told me to close my eyes and wait right there.  I had no idea what was happening. A few minutes later he came back and told me to open my eyes.... I didnt see him for a second and then realized he was on the floor, down on one knee, holding a box open in his hand, with a beautiful ring inside! WHAT?! I cant believe this is happening and how the heck did he manage to get that ring into this hotel room without me knowing?.... I was over come with joy and tears as Brent asked me if I would spend the rest of my life with him..... i was speechless... Brent said, "please say something..." LOL Oh my goodness, OF COURSE I will! YES!!!!  

Its true what they say...... Disneyland really is the Happiest Place on Earth!! 

This song was the one they played every night during the fireworks and we had it as one of our wedding songs. Makes me smile every time I hear it. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7lvblx_wA8

Once the shock wore off, he told me the story of how he had hid my engagement ring in my OWN purse and that's why he was freaking out at the airport. He was worried the baggage guy was going to go thru my purse and pull it out and ruin the surprise. HAHA 

2012 is Gone - Time for Reflection

Now that its 2013, I suppose it is time to reflect on the year that has just passed. I recall at the beginning of last year, i was walking around quoting the saying, "2012 is the year of No Excuses" but by the 2nd half of the year, that's all i seemed to be doing when it came to my health and fitness journey, and that was... making excuses! Why does this happen sometimes? We are so motivated and positive at the beginning of a new year and then something happens, or doesn't happen, and we lose all sight of our goals. I vow, this year, to stay true to my goals for 2013, even when life gets in the way, and remember how badly I feel when i stray from them. 

As I look back at the last year, there were alot of positive events and a few not so positive ones. Here are some that stand out to me. 

1) January started off with a friendship, one which I thought was a good one, ending. No explanation, just stopped speaking to me and I was deleted from her Facebook  A few weeks prior, I had spoke up for myself on a few things, as I did feel that I was being pressured and controlled in certain aspects of our relationship, and needless to say, that didn't go over to well, which i had kind of expected. It took alot for me to stand up for myself because, if you know me, you know that I am a people pleaser and don't like to upset anyone or have anyone dislike me.... which I also know is impossible. There will always be people that don't like you, no matter how good of a person you are, and usually, those people don't even truly know you anyways. I took this event quite hard and tried to move on from it, but I did waste alot of energy stressing over it for many months. I have run into this person twice over the past year and both times I have said to myself, "You will just be true to yourself, say hi and wish her all the best." I was never given that chance because both times, she made eye contact, swung her head to the side, and ignored my gaze for the evening. I was shocked and saddened but have now, in just these past few weeks, come to the conclusion that I can not please everyone and I can no longer waste  one more second wondering what happened. Some people just choose to push you away and that is their prerogative  I wish this person nothing but the best and this experience has made me a better and stronger person so for that, I am grateful. 

2) 2013 also brought about some fun fitness events. Firstly, i organized my 2nd Tommy Europe Bootcamp in Vernon and it was the 3rd one that i had participated in. I felt the most fit I had ever felt and it was such an empowering feeling. Secondly, I began going to Excel Fitness with my husband (in January) and we were having such a great time working out together in the early morning classes. We still go there to this day and I have to say, we have made some great friends there and we always look forward to going.(well, once i finally wake up from my 520 am alarm... lol) Im pretty sure this is also some kind of record for me as I have ALWAYS been the one to join a gym and then after a few months, stop going but continue paying just incase i decide to go back! There will be no more of that in my future!! In April, we went to Vancouver and i ran in the Vancouver Sun Run (10K) for my very first time. It was an amazing time and i am so glad I did it. Our business, Mind, Body & Sole Running and Fitness, organized our 2nd annual Kidsport 5k Fun Run where we raised $2395 for the organization. In August, i stepped completely out of my comfort zone and, with Brent, joined a Dragon Boat team with Excel Fitness, our team being called "The Dirty Oars." I was so nervous and so many times I tried to talk myself out of it but Brent wouldn't let me. I'm so glad that I didn't because it was so much fun and I look forward to this years Dragon boat races. 

3) My Fitness Blast Bootcamp had its 1 year anniversary in July and continues to go strong. Some of the ladies that come have been with me from day 1 and that is just so awesome to me. I also have 2 personal training clients that have been with me almost since day 1 of my certification as a personal trainer and they aren't just clients to me anymore, they are friends, and I look forward to seeing them every week. (Im not sure they may feel the same about me though once they have left... lol) 

4) We have been given new opportunities in business this year. We partnered with Excel Fitness in the early spring and we continue to work with them. I happen to think we make a great team and I look forward to what 2013 is going to bring. We also started Inspire Fashion in September, which is an online retail clothing and accessory shop, which, I hope to, one day, have a store front for it. 

5) The last 6 months of the year were tough for us as we went through a bit of a financial hardship and that is definetly when my health and fitness journey took a turn for the worse. It was such a stressful time that I used that as an excuse to make poor choices in my eating and working out, or lack of workouts.... Summer was filled with bbq's and camping, school started for my daughter and i was just too busy to workout, she joined a new sport.. the excuses go on and on. 

There was so much more that made up 2012, but these are a few of the moments that stood out for me. I have lost touch with old friends, it seems, and have made some really great new friends. "Im so busy" seems to be the common phrase these days from everyone around. I, for one, plan to stop saying that so much. I am grateful for so many things and i plan to acknowledge that more in my daily life. I plan to make the most out of every day and live more in the moment instead of stressing about the future and the what ifs. I will enjoy my family and friends more as I am grateful to have them in my life. I am not going to let things bother me so much especially things and events that I can not control. Everything happens for a reason, even though we may not get that in the moment. 

As I was running on the treadmill today.... something I have neglected to do for at least a month.... I was listening to my Ipod and a song came on that really hit home for me and it actually brought tears to my eyes as i listened to it. Its amazing how a song can really get into your soul and evoke certain thoughts and emotions. As i end this first blog of 2013, i post the song for you to listen to. <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJT5dC3DJo4