After losing Rene and going to Calgary to stay with his Mom for a month, it was time to come back home to Vernon. Its really hard to go back to a home that just isn't the same when you have lost your husband, because, after all, I wasn't the same anymore either. It was hard at first, to be home. I have never been very good at being alone so this was so very difficult for me. The only way to describe it was that I felt like I had lost a part of me, like an arm or a leg. Something would happen, and I would think, "oh, i have to tell Rene this" and then remember, that he wasn't here anymore to tell. I feel like I wasnt a very good Mom to Taylor for awhile because I was so involved in my own grief, that I didnt have much enough energy to focus on her. My Dad had passed away a year and a half before Rene (yes there will be a future blog about this too... lol) and so he wasnt here to help me thru it. My Mom lived across the country in Ontario so it wasnt like she could just pick up and check on me whenever she wanted to. I had my Nana and Grandpa but they were in their late 80's and can only do so much. (and its hard to help someone that tells everyone that they are fine, doing great, no problem) I thought asking for help was a sign of weakness so I just kept it all to myself. My younger Brother had been living with Rene and I after the loss of our Dad, but after losing Rene, Jay (my brother) felt such an incredible loss that he moved back to Airdrie for awhile to live with his Mom. (My step mom) It almost felt like another loss to Taylor and I.
For a short time after Jay moved out, Taylor and I were completely alone. I didnt know what to do with myself, but I knew that I had to go back to work. A friend was a manager of a retail store in the mall so she hired me on there and it was going great. I had gone to counselling a few times but didnt really stick with it because of money issues... and I thought i was doing ok. Taylor was going to `play therapy`, which seemed to be helping. She was only 4 so its not like she could go to a regular therapist and share her feelings like an adult would. The therapist would meet with me after every couple of sessions to fill me on on how the sessions were going with Taylor. She would always tell me the same thing...... Taylor didnt know how to make me happy! She didnt want me to be sad anymore. Are you kidding me?! All Taylor was worried about was me? But she was only 4 years old! This broke my heart and made me realize I needed to stop being so sad and to start thinking about her more.
I ended up going on stress leave from my job for a few months because everything I hadn't dealt with, was finally catching up to me and i was a mess. It was nice because i was home during the day so I could spend more time with Taylor. It was also overwhelming at the same time. I went to our family Dr at the time and asked if there was something I could take and he put me on Celexa. It just seemed to take away my personality and i was just going through the motions of my everyday life.
I started going out alot at night. I would have a babysitter for Taylor or I would take her to Nana's for the night, and I would just drink myself into numbness. I knew it wasnt a solution, but it felt good at the time. This also didnt help with the weight issues and i started gaining weight again. The drinking got worse before it got better. It wasnt a proud moment in my life, but clearly one that I had to go through at the time. People always have their opinions of everything, me included, but now, after going through something like this, you truly don't know how YOU would act until, God forbid, it happens to you. The best thing you can do is just let the person who is grieving know that you are there for them, and don't tell them how they should or shouldn't feel, what they should or shouldn't be doing, etc... because YOU don't know unless you have been there!
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