Widowhood

I cant help but notice so many young couples lately losing their spouses, especially women, and its just so heartbreaking because I know the tough road that they have ahead of them. Every time i hear about someone losing their husband, i relive losing Rene all over again. Its been 12.5 years but its something that will never go away, no matter how long ago it happened, how your life has changed, or if you have remarried. That person was the person who you thought you were going to grow old with, retire with, travel the world with, and suddenly, without any warning, they are ripped away from you like the loss of a limb and you have to change your entire life, the dreams you had are now gone.... or at least you feel they are in that moment. That is the only way to really describe the loss of your spouse is to compare it to losing an arm or a leg. Its something that is a part of you and suddenly its no longer there, and sometimes you forget, like a phantom pain when you are an amputee. Sleep is your only escape and for those few short seconds when you first wake up, you arent thinking about the fact that they are no longer beside you in that bed, and then the harsh reality hits you again like a ton of bricks and you need all the strength you can muster to just swing your legs out of the covers and put your feet on the floor. Getting showered and dressed is your only goal for that day, to make it thru the next few minutes without breaking down and crying....  I am talking ugly girl crying too.... all alone wondering how you will ever be happy again. 

People treat you differently.... they don't mean to, they just do. Its not their fault. You are forever changed, you wont ever be the same person before your loss, and that's ok! You will find out who your real, true friends are which can also feel like yet another loss. People forget that after your loss and the funeral, they get to go back to their regular scheduled lives and continue on, but we dont. We get to go back to an empty house that once was a home with our spouse and now its just a constant reminder of what we have now lost, what will never be. We are alone with our thoughts and they arent good..... we are told that if we need anything, to please ask. But we dont know what we want except for to have our loved one back and for everything to be back to the way it was. I was asked that all the time..... what can i do for you....... I had no idea! I had a friend show up one day and just start washing my kitchen floor. I didnt even know that i needed that, but I did!! I felt bad at first but then i saw that this is what she truly wanted to do for me, so i let her. 

Please dont say our loved ones are in a better place.... thats not true and its a bit insulting. Being with me was a great place so why is being without me suddenly a better place for them to be? 

I would never wish for anyone to go thru the loss of anyone but when i lost Rene, there was no Facebook.... so I didnt know anyone that was going thru what i was going thru except for my 83 year old Nana, but somehow that is different. Yes, she too lost her spouse, but when we are in our 80s and 90s, its more expected. It doesnt make it any less hard, but its an expectation when we are growing old that we will lose our spouse or they will lose us. When we are 31 years old, that is the LAST thing that we expect. Whenever I see a fellow new widow, i am compelled to reach out because I want them to know that there is someone that knows what they are going thru. It sucks! 

The first year is the WORST! You have to go thru all those firsts without them. Their Birthday, the first Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentines Day, Anniversary, kids birthdays if you have kids........ and then the first anniversary of THE day.... Ugh! Its almost as bad as THE actual day. The pain will eventually lessen but we never forget.

Loving again - it can and will happen.... and you might feel guilty about it at first. This is normal. People will tell you their opinions. Happily married people who have never lost a spouse. Some will be happy for you. Some will say you are moving too fast. No one knows the right time except for YOU. Follow your heart. Your loved one would never ever want you to be alone in this world, without love to make you feel safe and happy. I have had people tell me that i was married too soon. For the record, i lost Rene in Sept 2002 and was remarried in August of 2006. 4 years is a long time.... how long am I supposed to be sad and lonely? How long does my daugther have to be without a father figure in her life? Everyone deserves happiness and love. A widow is no different. It doesnt mean they are forgetting their loved one. That is impossible! I still think of Rene alot and I will always love him and we talk about him with my daughter who is now 16 and was 4 when she lost her Dad. She remembers him and still misses him to this day. 

So to all those widows out there.... My heart aches for you as I go thru my journey of loss all over again everytime i think of you all. And that is ok because that is a part of me and its made me into the person I am today. I am stronger, more brave, more courageous and i try to live more in the moment as you never know when your last day will be. Listen to your heart, be kind to yourself and take all the time you need to grieve because only YOU know how much time that is.