Finding Love Again - Part 1

Taylor definetly suffered from anxiety after Rene's passing. She had first lost her Grandpa, (my Dad), then her Dad, and then really, her Uncle Jay... who didnt pass away, but he moved out of the house to another province, so to a 4 year old, that is still like a loss. After all this loss at such a young age, she had problems with anxiety and panic attacks when she would be around males. It didnt matter who they were... family, friends, strangers, coaches, etc.... she would literally start to panic and one time in Calgary at my mother in laws house, when her accountant came over, Taylor ran and hid under the kitchen table, hung on to the leg and rocked back and forth and cried. Her play therapist said it was a fear that she had after so much loss. She was actually scared of getting close to a male figure because she was afraid they would die too. How incredibly overwhelming for a 4 year old! 


I didnt really have any positive relationships with men after losing Rene. After about 9 months or so, i tried to date but its alot different at 32 than it is at 22! And i had a 4 year old daughter this time around. I was lonely and lost and  I made a few bad choices during this time. Some people judged me, believe me, i even judged myself... but if you suffered thru loss and grief, you just don't have the right to judge anyone. I knew the people i was hanging out with weren't the best for me, but i wasnt planning on marrying anyone. I was just trying to fill a void in my heart that losing Rene caused. I really wasnt looking for love, just someone to fill that empty space in my heart. 



Out at the bar one evening, an acquaintance introduced me to her friend, Brent. He seemed like a nice guy and he was funny and easy going. We traded email addresses and that was that. I didnt hear from him and to be honest, i completely forgot about him until a month or so later when I saw him out again and he asked my why i hadn't emailed him back. I never received an email from him so i wasnt sure what he was talking about. When I went home that night, i sent him a quick email. These were the days of MSN messenger so we often talked to each other on there in the evenings after Taylor went to bed. This went on for months and I really grew fond of him as 

a friend. I didnt feel pressure from him. He had a girlfriend so he wasnt interested in dating me....(or so i thought) and lets face it, all his past girlfriends were thin and pretty..... two things i wasnt. We ended up spending alot of time together. We played beach volleyball on the same team, went to hockey games, camping and just hanging out at home. I even did his laundry! LOL I asked him if his girlfriend minding us hanging out so much and he said she didnt care at all. I found that weird because i certainly wouldn't want MY boyfriend hanging out with another girl all the time. Brent and I seemed to really get along well and we were always there for each other. I was starting to feel so much happier. We really seemed to be a good team as far as friends went. All our friends would joke around and say "so when are you going to admit that you are together", and we would always laugh it off and say "we aren't together, we are just friends". Brent had a girlfriend, for heavens sakes. 




One day, while he was over, i was talking to a friend on the phone, and Taylor was laughing hysterically in the background. My gf asked me what Taylor was laughing at and i replied, " Oh, she is holding on to Brent's shirt and he is dragging her all around the hardwood floor". My gf paused for a second and then said to me, 'Um..... she is actually touching Brent? She isnt freaking out because he is a male and is near her?".... All of a sudden, i was like.. OMG! She is touching Brent! I cant believe I hadn't noticed that. 2 years of her panic attacks around males and now she is letting Brent drag her around the house with no problem and actually enjoying it! That was so amazing to me, not only because she was touching him, but because Brent was the only person that didnt make a big deal out of it if she didnt want to talk to her. Some people would just make comments like "oh, she doesn't like me", or "she doesn't want to be around me", but not Brent. He just was patient with her and didnt push himself on her and let her come to him on her own time. 

One weekend, i was going camping with my sister and some friends and had invited Brent to come out and join us. (Taylor was staying with Nana and Grandpa for the weekend) He wasnt sure if he could make it because he had to work on Friday and Saturday, but he would let me know. As i was driving out, he called my cell phone and told me that he had broken up with his girlfriend and that he was going to be moving out at the end of the month. All of a sudden, I got butterflies in my stomach and realized that I didnt actually feel bad for him, and that I was happy they had broken up. What kind of person was i to think these kinds of things? He said to listen for his car on Saturday night because he was most likely going to come out to the campground.  The following night when he was supposed to arrive, i kept listening to hear his car but never heard it. (he had a custom muffler so it was super loud so i always knew when it was him.. lol) Finally, at around 9:00pm, i realized that he probably wasnt coming.... then I heard it.... the sound of his muffler getting closer to our campsite, and then suddenly, there he was! He had actually come. I dont know why I was suddenly so excited by this, its not like we had never done anything together before, but now, i felt these butterflies I had never felt with him before. We all hung out at the campfire for awhile and then we all went off to bed in our tents. Brent had let me know that he had a big race in Salmon Arm the next morning so he had to get up early to get there in time.. Ok seriously... he came all this way, only to have to leave really early to drive all the way to Salmon Arm for a 9am race? Wow! I suddenly felt really special. I hadn't planned on him actually coming camping, so i only had the one double mattress in my tent. Brent said it was fine so we went to bed. I was so nervous having him lay beside me that I couldn't fall asleep. What if I started snoring or something? lol I guess i must have finally dozed off, because I woke up later on and I was so cold! Brent moved and i realized he was awake too. We started talking about how cold it was and he said i could cuddle up to him if i wanted to.. Um... if I wanted to?! OMG.... im freaking out right now.. Should I?... I finally did and i started feeling warm instantly. The last thing I heard before i fell asleep was him saying, "why didnt you think of this sooner, dumbass?" LOL 

He got up super early that morning and got ready to leave for his race. He said he would call me as soon as his race was over and let me know how he did and then he left. I was so happy ALL day, i couldnt stop smiling. One of my friends kept asking me, "are you sure all you guys did was cuddle, cause seriously, you have been smiling all day!" I hadn't felt like this forever and i felt like after that night, my feelings for him had definetly changed from a friend to more than that. 

Too be continued.....