One of Those Days

Sometimes i think i am always going to be bigger. It seems no matter what I do, i can barely get that scale to move and its just so frustrating!! As a trainer, I have helped clients lose weight and become healthier than they have ever been, yet when i follow the same advice that I give to them, i have no success and i just don't get it. I have had food intolerance tests, i cut those out and still nothing. I work out 5-6 times a week on top of that and the scale just doesn't budge. Some days i just want to throw my hands in the air and scream, "I surrender!!"... but i continue on. 

Lets not forget all the head trash that goes along with the weight. I have been self conscious and had low self esteem from growing up....... (thats a whole other blog all together.... lol) I feel uncomfortable when i walk into a large group of people because i think everyone is thinking about me what i think of myself. I don't like to be the center of attention, i feel like everyone around me is superior to me, and it just goes on and on. I don't know how to change this thinking. Some days are great, and then i will look in the mirror as i get dressed, and the negative self talk begins all over again. I try to find something that i like about myself. Ok, i really like my eyes... Well that's great, however, nice eyes don't make my pants look good! If im walking in front of other people and I hear laughing, i assume they must be laughing at me. Its so tough being inside my own head some days. 

I have tried fad diets over the years and I'm here to say THEY DON'T WORK! Yes, of course they work in the short term however, once you go back to eating normally, you will gain all that weight back that you lost, and usually then some. Taking out an entire food group, cutting calories, only eating apples, cabbage soup,  injecting yourself with hormones... none of that is natural, and just because your Dr suggested it, doesn't mean its good for you. It frustrates me to no end when i am working my ass off with no results and ill see someone be proud because they lost 20lbs in 6 days because of some crazy fad diet they are doing!! I could do that too but what kind of benefit would that bring me in the long run, not to mention my poor family who would have to deal with my moodiness because i would be starving, and trying not to eat the furniture.

I miss having a trainer to work one on one with. I miss the way they push me past my limits... something that i don't do as well on my own. Its hard to motivate yourself at times and easy to say, oh ill just do 2 sets of those instead of 3, even though you are just cheating yourself. Anyone want to be my trainer? LOL 

I guess this is where I say i will now vow to work on my inner dialogue and try to see myself as others see me. Definetly easier said that done but, hey, im a work in progress! :) I am grateful for an amazing husband who loves me for who i am and gives me no pressure to change. I just want to be someone that everyone can be proud of. I have people tell me that i am an inspiration to them and sometimes i just dont get how that can be when i feel like a failure inside. Most of all, I want to be proud of myself! I believe, that one day, eventually, I will be there....... I just wish i knew when that was... im getting impatient.