Getting to Know Me (Part 2)

Darlene and I

I would have to say the most fun I had in my 20's was when I lived with my friend, Darlene. I met her in 1992 when the Safeway that I worked at closed down and I was transferred to another location in Calgary. Darlene worked at the customer service desk there and we hit it off right away.... Ok, no we didn't. Remember, I was super shy? I didn't know anyone at that store and at the time, it was the largest Safeway in Western Canada so i really did feel like a fish out of water. I felt like everyone was staring at me in my polyester pants and unflattering, white polyester Safeway top.... Man, those uniforms were BAD!! Every few days, Darlene would yell at me from the customer service desk at the till I was working on and invite me out for drinks at Don Cherry's, the pub up the street from Safeway where all the employees went after work. I told her I didn't have anything to change into... she offered to lend me something... I told her i couldn't afford it.... she offered to lend me money.... i told her that I wasn't feeling well.... she told me to "Shut the EFF UP" and come out with her and the girls..... Finally, I gave in and went. It went all uphill...... or downhill (LOL) from there! I lived quite a ways away from the store and my car wasn't the most reliable and she needed a roommate so we got a super cute basement suite together. She didn't have a car so we shared mine. We were known to have the BEST Safeway parties around! Yep, you guessed it.... the drinking and eating bad food continued thru my 20's. I was aware that i was continuing to gain weight but I was having so much fun that I really didn't care. Everyone once in awhile id feel bad about my habits and go for a bike ride.. that would last for about 20 minutes and my butt would be sore from the seat so back home I would go. We lived, literally, within 20 steps either way of a McDonald's, Wendy's, Mr Sub, Dunkin Donuts, Panago (Panagopolos at that time) and the Pied Pickle. (That was a pub directly across the street from our house! What more could a girl ask for, right?) 


I really didn't see my parents (Dad and Step - Mom) very often. I was in South Calgary and they were in Airdrie. My real Mom lived in Ontario and of course, I couldn't afford to buy a plane ticket to go see her. Its hard to save money when all you do is work, drink and eat! Sometimes I wouldn't call home (to Airdrie) and I would see how long it would take them to call me.... i always ended up giving in and calling them. They never asked about my life, who i was hanging out with, what i was doing. I missed my sister and brother but because they were so much younger than me, they didn't even drive yet. I remember one Christmas Eve I had to work and then was going to go out to Airdrie for the holidays. My car had broken down so my step - mom had said that she would come pick me up. I was waiting outside the store for her to come get me, and after about an hour and a half, I realized she wasn't coming. I had to walk up to a gas station to call because by this time, everyone else at work had left to be with their families. She had forgotten all about me and everyone at home had been drinking so noone could come get me. I had to take a cab back to my basement suite on Christmas Eve and stay there all by myself because noone remembered to come get me. I had always felt like they didnt love me, but this was probably the lowest point for me. I walked to McDonald's and the beer store and celebrated Christmas Eve alone. Someone picked me up the next morning, but honestly, I cant remember who it was. I just remember feeling unloved and unwanted. 


I pulled away even more from my family after that. If they didn't even remember me at Christmas, what was the point of making any effort? I always made sure I called my Nana once a week and kept her updated on what was going on with me so that she didn't worry. She had a bad habit of worrying about me and i didnt like it when she did. I mentioned previously that when I was 19, I had moved out for the 2nd time. The first time was when i was 17 and it wasn't voluntary. I was told to get out after I was caught skipping by my Dad. I wasn't a bad kid, really. Sure, I had a snotty attitude, thought I was smarter than the adults, but what teenager isn't like that? (including my own 13 year old daughter.... I can often hear my Dads voice saying to me..... "its payback time!") I never drank, smoked, did drugs, snuck out.. NOTHING! Just had a smart mouth, and skipped school once. I came home from school that day and there was my Dad at the front door with that look on his face.... the one that made my stomach feel sick and the hair on the back of my neck stand up...He told me to get my stuff packed and get the hell out (and not really in those words)..... I thought he was kidding so i ignored him and went to my room.... only to have my step - mom come down to my room when she got home from work with garbage bags in her hands, standing there watching while i packed all my belongings into them. As I was packing I started feeling like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders even though i had no idea where i was going to go. I ended up walking to a friends house and her parents let me stay there for awhile. Which brings me back to why I dont like to let my Nana worry...... because once she found out that I had "moved out", which is what "they" told her, she got so worried, that a blood vessel burst in her head from anxiety and I felt responsible for that so I always made sure i kept in touch with her. 


All this happened in my Grade 11 year. I lived at my friend's house for about a month but when her parents grew tired of a 3rd teenage girl in the house, (they already had 2 of their own) they kindly asked me to leave. I was so ashamed and again felt like I wasnt wanted. I packed only what i could fit into a suitcase and off i went. I had a part time job at that time so i was making a bit of money when i wasn't at school. One of the older girls that I worked with, offered to let me stay at her place. She was a year or 2 older than me and I looked up to her because she was so pretty and thin and before she had graduated, she had been in the "popular crowd." I finally felt important. I also had a boyfriend during this time. I think he was another reason my Dad was so mad at me all the time... Dad didnt like him one bit... Im not sure why.... maybe because he was my first boyfriend, maybe he saw something in him that I didn't.... who knows. After a couple weeks, I felt really uncomfortable where i was staying.... the girl who I looked up to had some scary friends... Or maybe they just seemed scary to me because i was so naive? They were always drinking, they were loud, obnoxious and would sometimes come into my room to bug me. They never did anything to me but I always wondered if they would have if i hadnt moved out so quickly. I liked living there because it was close to my brother and sister's school and so I could go visit them at the daycare when they were done school because I wasnt allowed to go home and see them. Then "they" found out I was going to see them, so they told the daycare lady not to let me in if I came by again. I felt lower than ever. My brother and sister were the only things really keeping me happy and feeling loved. Now I didn't even have them.


For about a month, I really had no place to go. Every morning I would wake up at someones house and not know where i was going to sleep that night. I really felt like I couldn't go back "home" because no one wanted me. I sometimes wonder now, what would have happened if I had just called and asked to come back home. This is about the time I got to know Shona. (Remember her from last time? I moved out with her into an apartment when I was 19) Her and I had got to talking one day when we both had a spare and i opened up to her and told her what was going on in my life at that time. She said I could stay at her house anytime, and, in fact... I could stay there tonight if i wanted to. Just have Chris (my bf at the time) bring me over after 8pm because thats when her parents went to bed. HUH?! So for a week, i was living at her parents house and they had no idea... Or did they? Her parents went to bed really early because they got up at 5am to go to work every day. Once they were in bed, they never got back up until morning, and had no reason to check in on Shona before they went to work so they never even knew i was there. After a week of literally climbing in thru Shona's bedroom window, her parents invited me over for dinner. They told me that as long as I was going to school, they would give me a roof over my head, and would treat me like one of their own.. and they also said that from now on, I could use the front door instead of Shona's bedroom window!! LOL


Too be continued.....