1 - Did I really just lose my husband? The person who I had thought I would be spending the rest of my life with?
2 - How is this going to effect Taylor as she grows up?
3 - What am I going to say to Taylor to help her to understand why she will never see her Daddy again?
4 - How can I go to work tomorrow?
5 - How am I going to live without my husband?
These are just a few of the questions that ran thru my mind on the drive back to Vernon.
There was one thought that I remember so clearly that day. One that I will never forget. As i drove the highway back to Vernon from Kelowna, along Kal Lake with the cliff and drop off into the lake on my right, I thought to myself..... one swift turn of this steering wheel to the right, and all this pain I am feeling will be gone..... 2 things stopped me from doing that. Knowing Taylor was at Nana's, not knowing that she had just lost her Dad, and if i chose to drive off the cliff, she would be an orphan... and the fact that Rene's Mom, my wonderful Mother in Law who i loved dearly, who had just lost her youngest son, was in the car directly behind me. I thought of her pain and how she would feel watching my car careen off the side of the cliff into the lake below and I realized how selfish I was being. I needed to just face this pain and fear head on, smarten the hell up and be there for my family. They just lost a son, a Dad, a brother in law, a friend..... how selfish I would be to take my own life now too. So I drove on to arrive at Nana's shortly after with not ever having another thought of suicide again. I recall a friend (Jauna) calling me on my cell just after i made that important decision, and as i answered, she asked me how Rene was doing... I then realized this was going to be a conversation that I would be repeating over and over in the coming hours, days and weeks. This was before the days of Facebook, so really, news didnt spread as quickly and as easily as it does now. I said to my friend.... "Rene is gone" and she simply asked... "where did he go?" No one ever thinks someone is going to die.. I mean, yes of course, we know that everyone eventually does... but we never expect it to happen to us or someone that we know. This was a conversation I would have for days to come.
We arrived at Nana and Grandpa's in a caravan of cars. Myself in mine, Luke (Rene's brother) and Mom daSilva (Rene's Mom) in hers, and Michelle and her Mom in the 3rd vehicle. It felt like the march of death walking up the walkway into the front door. Taylor jumped into my arms and hugged me and immediately asked how Daddy was. No one looked at anyone, for fear of making eye contact and bursting into tears. I took Taylor into the tv room to have a talk. No talk that any 3 year old should have to hear. I sat her on the couch and looked in her the eyes and told her again about Daddy's really bad headache, and how he was just too sick and the Dr's couldnt help him, and that he wasnt coming home. She didnt cry. She looked up at me and said..." So Daddy is up in the sky with Grandpa Woody then? That will be nice for Grandpa cause now he isnt alone." Um WHAT? How can this child be so calm, so reassured instead of sobbing in a pile at my feet? She amazed me that day. I often think that my Dad's death (which will be a story to blog about soon) was a stepping stone for what was to come, to prepare me for this moment, to help Taylor understand death and loss, and if nothing else, maybe make something so horrible, just a tiny bit easier.
I dont really remember much else about that day after that. We (Luke, Mon daSilva, and I) decided that we really didnt want to go back to the house that night, that it was just too painful, so we got 2 rooms at the Best Western Vernon Lodge. Taylor and I had our own room and by the time we went home and packed a bag for us, and got our room, i realized how mentally and emotionally exhausted I was. I had told Jauna when she had called me earlier that I didnt want visitors.... but as a good friend does, she didnt listen. Shortly after arriving at the hotel, i heard a knock on my door and Jauna and Diane were standing there. Noone had to say anything. I just let them in and we all sat on the bed and cried. We had the tv on and turned to Much Music for the background noise and I will never forget the first song I heard after losing Rene.
To this day, I cannot hear this song without having tears coming to my eyes.
The strength of a babe...amazing. T
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