The Days to Follow

Its amazing how, when someone close to you passes away, you slowly find your new normal. As normal as that can be when you are feeling like you have suddenly lost a body part. I had to go on for Taylor even though some days, all I wanted to do was stay in bed. I think Taylor helped me through Rene`s death more than I helped her through it. 


They say that kids under the age of 6 are very intuitive and that they can see people who have passed because their minds aren't so tainted yet. They cant think of ways to explain it away. They just know it to be true. One day when i just started crying out of the blue, Taylor asked why I was so sad. When i told her that I missed her Daddy, she told me not to be so sad, because Daddy was standing right behind me! There were so many times when she would say things like that. I picked her up from daycare one day and the girls there told me that Taylor had made them all cry. She was on the swing going back and forth, holding the chain with one hand, and her other hand was straight out to the side. They told her to hang on to the swing with both hands and she just looked right at them and said so seriously.... I'm holding my Daddy`s hand. Often times she would wake up in the morning to tell me that she had been talking to her Daddy and that his headache had gone away, and that he was having a good time with Grandpa Woodie. (My Dad) Those times would always give me so much comfort and make me feel at peace. Sometimes, in the car, she would tell me that Rene was sitting beside me or that he was on the roof of the car, looking at her thru the back window, waving and smiling and she would sit in her carseat and giggle to herself. 


Rene`s Mom invited Taylor and I to come stay with her in Calgary for as long as we wanted. She thought it would be nice for me to just get away from the house for awhile and she could spend some time with Taylor and I. I decided that would be a great idea, so we waited until after Nanas bday on Sept 20 so we could celebrate her 82nd birthday, and the next morning we packed up the car and headed to Calgary. My friend, Michelle, who I had mentioned before, came with me for the drive and was going to stay for a few days and then fly back home. It was good to be with Mom daSilva because we were both going thru such sadness and pain, and we lifted each other up. She spent alot of time with Taylor as well, and let me be alone when i needed to be. I would go to the gym to work off some steam... (probably the first time i had set foot in a gym for quite sometime but I found it to be therapeutic.) I spent some time with friends that i didnt normally get to see since we lived so far away, and hung out with my sister. Mom daSilva took me to the Opera (my very first ever) and Rene`s brother got me Flames and Canucks hockey tickets and I, of course, brought Darlene with me. (now thats a whole other blog in itself.. lol) 

I was sitting outside on Mom`s beautiful back deck one sunny day, and she came out and sat with me and we had a glass of wine. We began to talk about the future (which was really a scary concept to me since I was just trying to make it thru each day at this point) and I will never forget her words. She told me that I was still very young (31 years old) and that I had my whole life ahead of me. She said that it would be unrealistic of her to think that I would never find someone else to love.. (at this point I told her that I never would love again) and that as long as I was happy and whoever i was with treated both Taylor and I with love and respect, she would be accepting and happy for me. She is an amazing lady and she will always be my mother in law. At that moment, being with anyone else seemed impossible and I assumed I would just be there for Taylor and be alone. It was all so painful and I really didnt want to take the chance of losing someone again, and having to feel this pain all over again.



After a month of being in Calgary, it was time to face my fears, go back home to Vernon and try to continue on with my life. I needed to find a job... ( i had a daycare in my home the summer before Rene passed, but i just couldn't see myself doing that anymore. It reminded me too much of Rene`s first stroke in the driveway, as I had daycare kids with me that day, and the memory was just too painful) Neither one of us had a will, nor did we have life insurance so it was time to figure out our finances. I will tell you that I absolutely do have a will now and I tell everyone to make sure they do as well. We all think that we are invincible and will live forever, but I now know this to be untrue. I also learned how amazing the community was in my time of need. Our credit union manager called me one day to let me know they had deposited some money into my account in hopes that it would help just a little bit. Rene`s employer put out a challenge to his fellow coworkers to help raise money for us, and the the boss matched what everyone raised and personally delivered a cheque to my house. I was amazed and overwhelmed by the support and kindness of people who didnt even know me. I always said that if I ever got the chance to return the favor to anyone in need, I would definetly take that chance. One day, many years later, I would do exactly that.